3
We were sitting on a nice sunny Saturday and enjoying our special weekend lunch at Vishal’s
apartment. As usual, during the course of our normal daily discussions, a serious issue hit the table.
We started discussing the relevance of money in human relationship. I was of the view that money
(or physical facilities) is required for fulfilling the needs of our body and relationship requires
fulfillment of emotions and feelings in addition to money, while Vishal was of the view that money
alone can guarantee smooth functioning of everything including relationships in the current society.
Initially, we were giving arguments in favor of our opinions and responding to each other’s
arguments. Until now, the discussion was continuing in the spirit to share the opinions and gain
some understanding of the issue from the knowledge of each other. Gradually, it started turning
into a debate. We started to dig our knowledge base and find arguments to either support our view
orcounter other’s view. After some time, we were no more supporting our views; rather we were
fighting for our ego and superiority. At this stage, nobody was listening to anybody. We were just
engaged in proving each other wrong at any cost (in fact, you will find that at such times, 90% of
the quoted facts are made up on the spot). And finally, the debate ended at a sore note when we
realized that it had been over three hours, and we were not getting anywhere. It was not going to
reach any conclusion even if we continued it for another three hours. So, we chose to better end
the discussion then and there, get back to our business and thus avoid further scars in our
friendship.
Well, what happened there? An important discussion which started in a good spirit, why did it end
in conflict? Let us analyze the situation. We both started with a feeling of relationship and
acceptance for each other. As long as such feelings continued, the discussion went on smoothly.
But as the discussion progressed, opinions started differing and that was the turning point of the
things.
If I see opposition to my opinion as opposition to myself, which is not naturally acceptable to me, I
throw the topic into the dustbin right away. It is of little concern to me what I or the other person
is speaking. From then onwards, my sole aim in the discussion is to prove myself right and the
other wrong. The cherished situation would be when I could see that opinions of two people may
differ based on their thoughts, exposures, surroundings and many other factors, but the more
important thing is that the other person is my friend and related to me unconditionally. We of
course don’t make our friends or for that matter any relative on the condition that our opinions
should not differ.
And hence, the difference of opinion need not adversely affect our relationship.
If our opinions differ, then that means one is right and the other wrong, or both are wrong.
So..............
How to settle the question of right and wrong without any conflict? There is a simple way to do that. Let both of us share our thought on the issue and make some proposals. Other may or may not agree with it. Proposing does not imply that the other will accept it straight forward or even afterwards. So we leave it for analyzing and verification by the other. If I have verified the issue and am assured about its veracity, but the other is still not able to understand it due to his/ her lack of competence, I don’t oppose or criticize the other, and rather it is my responsibility to work for raising the other’s competence with a feeling of relationship. The bottom line in any conversation is that I don’t have to prove any point; nobody accepts that. The approach has to be that I have understood (if I really have!) something and want to share it. Now it is up to the other person to accept it or not. My relationship with the other person is more important than my point. Ultimately, the opinions may differ but the relationship has to remain intact. And this is the way we grow in relationships, helping each other raise the understanding.
From India, Ghaziabad
apartment. As usual, during the course of our normal daily discussions, a serious issue hit the table.
We started discussing the relevance of money in human relationship. I was of the view that money
(or physical facilities) is required for fulfilling the needs of our body and relationship requires
fulfillment of emotions and feelings in addition to money, while Vishal was of the view that money
alone can guarantee smooth functioning of everything including relationships in the current society.
Initially, we were giving arguments in favor of our opinions and responding to each other’s
arguments. Until now, the discussion was continuing in the spirit to share the opinions and gain
some understanding of the issue from the knowledge of each other. Gradually, it started turning
into a debate. We started to dig our knowledge base and find arguments to either support our view
orcounter other’s view. After some time, we were no more supporting our views; rather we were
fighting for our ego and superiority. At this stage, nobody was listening to anybody. We were just
engaged in proving each other wrong at any cost (in fact, you will find that at such times, 90% of
the quoted facts are made up on the spot). And finally, the debate ended at a sore note when we
realized that it had been over three hours, and we were not getting anywhere. It was not going to
reach any conclusion even if we continued it for another three hours. So, we chose to better end
the discussion then and there, get back to our business and thus avoid further scars in our
friendship.
Well, what happened there? An important discussion which started in a good spirit, why did it end
in conflict? Let us analyze the situation. We both started with a feeling of relationship and
acceptance for each other. As long as such feelings continued, the discussion went on smoothly.
But as the discussion progressed, opinions started differing and that was the turning point of the
things.
If I see opposition to my opinion as opposition to myself, which is not naturally acceptable to me, I
throw the topic into the dustbin right away. It is of little concern to me what I or the other person
is speaking. From then onwards, my sole aim in the discussion is to prove myself right and the
other wrong. The cherished situation would be when I could see that opinions of two people may
differ based on their thoughts, exposures, surroundings and many other factors, but the more
important thing is that the other person is my friend and related to me unconditionally. We of
course don’t make our friends or for that matter any relative on the condition that our opinions
should not differ.
And hence, the difference of opinion need not adversely affect our relationship.
If our opinions differ, then that means one is right and the other wrong, or both are wrong.
So..............
How to settle the question of right and wrong without any conflict? There is a simple way to do that. Let both of us share our thought on the issue and make some proposals. Other may or may not agree with it. Proposing does not imply that the other will accept it straight forward or even afterwards. So we leave it for analyzing and verification by the other. If I have verified the issue and am assured about its veracity, but the other is still not able to understand it due to his/ her lack of competence, I don’t oppose or criticize the other, and rather it is my responsibility to work for raising the other’s competence with a feeling of relationship. The bottom line in any conversation is that I don’t have to prove any point; nobody accepts that. The approach has to be that I have understood (if I really have!) something and want to share it. Now it is up to the other person to accept it or not. My relationship with the other person is more important than my point. Ultimately, the opinions may differ but the relationship has to remain intact. And this is the way we grow in relationships, helping each other raise the understanding.
From India, Ghaziabad
pmunjal,
hi i really agree with your view and idea and its quite true to a large extent. rather i would say that its best to listen everyone and do what one feels like doing because there's is nothing harm in listening to others.
These days everyone has lost patience and not ready to listen to others and we should try to avoid this habbit in order to avoid grave conflicts and also help in promoting relationship.
Hina
From India, Calcutta
hi i really agree with your view and idea and its quite true to a large extent. rather i would say that its best to listen everyone and do what one feels like doing because there's is nothing harm in listening to others.
These days everyone has lost patience and not ready to listen to others and we should try to avoid this habbit in order to avoid grave conflicts and also help in promoting relationship.
Hina
From India, Calcutta
It is 100 % true that money alone can guarantee smooth functioning of everything including relationships in the current society.
From Pakistan
From Pakistan
money is important but relationships are far more important. You may be rich today and have a bountiful of fair weather friends. What happens if by chance you lose your money and come on the street some day and may not find even the closest friends or associates around you. Reason: weak/false heart to heart relationships in the good times, never last long.
From India, Jaipur
From India, Jaipur
Really a good article carrying food for thought. What we overlook is that we do not debate on issue based but gradually get carried away by our self ego which prevents us from accepting other man's view even if logically correct. Then it becomes more of a personalised affair.
Another vital factor which escapes our attention in debate[thought constructively] is that "WHO IS SAYING IT" matters most than "WHAT IS BEING SAID".
If we take this into consideration, we can have a healthy debate without falling into the pit of ego clash.
Thanks for giving the opportunity to read the article.
Best regards
R.Srinivasan
From India, Madras
Another vital factor which escapes our attention in debate[thought constructively] is that "WHO IS SAYING IT" matters most than "WHAT IS BEING SAID".
If we take this into consideration, we can have a healthy debate without falling into the pit of ego clash.
Thanks for giving the opportunity to read the article.
Best regards
R.Srinivasan
From India, Madras
Re: Opinions May Differ, Relationship Remains Intact
Its really good one & true too
in early days relation were honoured with heart but now a days around 98 percent relations are limited to their interest.whenever discussion start ego comes in between
From India, Jaipur
Its really good one & true too
in early days relation were honoured with heart but now a days around 98 percent relations are limited to their interest.whenever discussion start ego comes in between
From India, Jaipur
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