How To Manage Conflict
by Peg Pickering
Career Press
ISBN: 1564144402 Pub
Date: 11/01/99
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INTRODUCTION
As the pace of life and business continues to accelerate, the opportunities for conflicts multiply. Yet, the
ability to work well with others is the single greatest determinant of success in the 21st century.
Therefore, learning to disarm and defuse confrontational situations and people is essential. One cannot
work effectively with others with clenched fists.
Managing conflict effectively requires developing competency in five areas:
1. Understand the critical ingredients for collaborative thinking.
2. Align responsibilities to the needs of others.
3. Build into daily interactions the practices necessary for support.
4. Have conflict resolution skills and negotiation skills to resolve various types of challenges.
5. Begin developing personal tools and systems for dealing with tensions and pressures.
One’s ability to build these competencies hinges on four success factors:
• Personal responsibility for one’s own learning and skill development.
• Flexibility of style.
• Ability to listen and provide feedback on what is heard.
• A positive attitude toward change.
Read this handbook carefully and refer to it in the future. Be sure to complete each set of Reflections to
immediately put these critical concepts and principles to work in your life.
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How To Manage Conflict
by Peg Pickering
Career Press
ISBN: 1564144402 Pub
Date: 11/01/99
Introduction
Chapter 1—FUNDAMENTALS OF CONFLICT
What Is Conflict and Why Do We Have So Much of It?
Common Misconceptions About Conflict
Chapter 2—TYPES OF CONFLICT
Internal Conflict
Interpersonal Conflict
Group Dynamics of Conflict
Chapter 3—IDENTIFYING CONFLICT STAGES
Three Stages of Conflict
Characteristics of Stage One Conflict—Everyday Concerns and Disputes
Coping Strategies for Stage One Conflict
Characteristics of Stage Two Conflict—More Significant Challenges
Management Strategies to Handle Stage Two Conflict
Characteristics of Stage Three Conflict—Overt Battles
Intervention Strategies for Stage Three Conflict
Chapter 4—CONFLICT MANAGEMENT STYLES
Styles of Conflict Management
Factors Affecting Your Approach
Chapter 5—CONSTRUCTIVE MANAGEMENT STYLES
Maintaining Positive Relationships During Conflict
Leading From Strength
A Passive Management Style
Aggressive and Manipulative Management Styles
Ten Tips for Dealing with Aggressive, Angry Employees
Chapter 6—COMMUNICATION’S CONTRIBUTIONS TO CONFLICT
The Interpersonal Communication Gap
The Constructive Confrontation Model
The Broken Record Technique
Defending Yourself From a Verbal Attack
Chapter 7—EMOTIONAL ASPECTS OF CONFLICT
How to Stay Cool, Calm and in Control ... Most of the Time
The Emotional Response Continuum
Emotional Reflexology
Five Emotional Don’ts During Conflict
Growth or Loss?
Selecting the Intervention Team
Chapter 8—THE INTERVENTION TEAM
Selecting the Intervention Team
Guidelines for an Intervention Team
The Five-Step Intervention Process
The Along-Side Plan
Chapter 9—DEALING WITH ANGRY CUSTOMERS
Ten Tips for Soothing Angry Customers
Chapter 10—A PARTING PHILOSOPHY
Points to Ponder
Appendix A
Index
How To Manage Conflict
by Peg Pickering
Career Press
ISBN: 1564144402 Pub
Date: 11/01/99
Previous Table of Contents Next
Chapter 1
FUNDAMENTALS OF CONFLICT
Understanding conflict - its causes and effects - is fundamental to personal and professional success.
Your ability to deal effectively with people, to elicit cooperation even in trying situations, has never
been more important than it is today. When you have completed this chapter, you’ll be able to more
clearly define conflict, identify both its positive and negative effects, and dispel the five most common
misconceptions about it.
What Is Conflict and Why Do We Have So Much of It?
Daniel Webster defines conflict as:
1. competitive or opposing action of incompatibles
2. antagonistic state or action (as of divergent ideas, interests or persons)
3. struggle resulting from incompatible needs, drives, wishes or demands
4. hostile encounter
In essence, conflict exists when two or more competing responses or courses of action to a single event
are considered. Conflict does not necessarily imply hostility, although hostility can certainly become
part of the situation.
Conflict is merely the existence of competing or incompatible options.
That’s simple. Maybe too simple. Conflict in today’s fast-paced, contentious society is inevitable and
rampant. Everywhere you turn, there’s “the existence of competing or incompatible options.”
• Your perfume allergy places you in conflict with many individuals daily.
• You struggle with the same idiots on the freeway going to and from work each day.
• Your career and family create constant time and commitment conflicts.
• A neighbor is threatening to sue you over some trivial disagreement.
• There are so many things you want to accomplish that you’re at a loss where to start.
• Your values and ethics cause perpetual internal re-examination as you face situational ethics
throughout society.
• Your children have decided they know everything and you know nothing.
• Some days you fear your boss agrees with your children!
Sound all too familiar? Unfortunately, there’s more bad news. The potential for conflict will continue to
grow exponentially as the pace of our society continues to accelerate. With explosive technological
advances comes an avalanche of change. Change brings uncertainty, fear, and discomfort, which is
fertile ground for conflict. As a result, conflict resolution skills that were an advantage in the late 20th
century are essential for mere survival in the 21st.
There is good news, however. Contrary to popular belief, conflict is not always a bad thing. In fact,
properly handled conflict can provide numerous benefits to both the individuals involved and their
organizations.
Potential Positive Effects of Conflict
• Increased motivation
• Enhanced problem/solution identification
• Group cohesiveness
• Reality adjustment
• Increased knowledge/skill
• Enhanced creativity
• Contribution to goal attainment
• Incentive for growth
These benefits cannot be realized, however, if the conflict is ignored or poorly handled. In such
instances, conflict becomes detrimental or even destructive.
Potential Negative Effects of Conflict
• Decreased productivity
• Erosion of trust
• Coalition formation with polarized positions
• Secrecy and reduced information flow
• Morale problems
• Consumption of mass amounts of time
• Decision-making paralysis
Obviously, learning to handle conflict effectively is critical. Before immersing yourself in conflict
management techniques, five common misconceptions about conflict need to be addressed.
Common Misconceptions About Conflict
1. Conflict, if left alone, will take care of itself.
2. Confronting an issue or person is always unpleasant.
3. The presence of conflict in an organization is a sign of a poor manager.
4. Conflict among staff is a sign of low concern for the organization.
5. Anger is always negative and destructive.
Misconception #1: Conflict, if left alone, will take care of itself.
Wouldn’t that be nice! Typically, the longer a conflict is ignored, the more difficult it becomes. It
escalates to higher and higher levels of intensity until it becomes so unbearable that it can no longer be
ignored.
Unfortunately, a conflict will dissipate by itself on occasion. Why, you ask, is that unfortunate? If
you’ve ever had a conflict disappear on its own accord, you increase your tendency to hold back, refrain
from facing the issues and avoid dealing with the next conflict in the hope that it, too, will magically
dissipate. And while you’re waiting, the conflict is gaining a life of its own, rising like bread dough, and
becoming more and more unmanageable.
Misconception #2: Confronting an issue or a person is always unpleasant.
Many people would almost rather be shot than have a confrontation! Just the word makes the hair on the
back of the neck stand up. But confronting something does not have to involve a nasty exchange. To
confront simply means:
1. To face, especially in challenge
2. To oppose
3. To cause to meet
4. To bring face to face
Confronting an issue or person simply means putting the items in question on the table to be addressed.
Without this examination, the conflict cannot be successfully resolved. But once the problem(s) have
been properly identified and well-defined, they are already half-solved.
Keep in mind: Behavior not confronted will not change. If someone is doing something or behaving in a
way that is unacceptable to you, you must bring it to their attention. You must confront the issue.
Specific techniques to do so can be found in Chapter 6.
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How To Manage Conflict
by Peg Pickering
Career Press
ISBN: 1564144402 Pub
Date: 11/01/99
Previous Table of Contents Next
Misconception #3: The presence of conflict in an organization is a sign of a poor
manager.
The mere existence of conflict means nothing. It in no way reflects on a manager’s ability. How well the
manager deals with conflict when it arises and how he anticipates potential future problems are the true
measures of the strength of his management skills.
Willie Shoemaker, the jockey who rode the winning Triple Crown horse in the 1960s, was an
extraordinary jockey in part because of his excellent control. The horse never felt his hand on the rein
unless it was needed. A good manager has this “soft set of hands” during conflict.
Misconception #4: Conflict among staff is a sign of low concern for the organization.
Why would people invest enormous amounts of time and emotional energy on things of no consequence
to them? People tend to be emotionally involved in things they care about. Therefore, conflict can be a
sign of genuine concern. Conflict can help clarify emotions and serves to identify underlying values.
Misconception #5: Anger is always negative and destructive.
When aired at lower stages of conflict, anger can be cathartic, helping the parties more clearly identify
the issues and values involved. At higher levels of conflict, however, explosive anger can have the
opposite effect.
Anger itself is neither positive nor negative. How we choose to utilize that anger, however, is vital to our
success in managing conflict. How well we control that anger and our overall stress level will
dramatically impact our ability to effectively handle life’s conflicts.
Reflections
Below are 25 situations in which conflict and anger are likely to arise. Think carefully
about each situation, rate on a scale of 1 - 5 the volatility of your typical reaction, and
circle your response. (1 indicates a relatively calm reaction and 5 indicates a major
eruption.)
1. As you’re about to leave home for an important appointment, you spill coffee
on your clothing.
1 2 3 4 5
2. A car pulls out in front of you, causing you to slam on your brakes, and the
other driver gestures at you as if you’d done something wrong.
1 2 3 4 5
3. You miss a deadline at work because information to be supplied by someone
else arrives late.
1 2 3 4 5
4. A waiter or waitress gets your order all wrong, and you’re served a meal you
don’t want.
1 2 3 4 5
5. Friends arrive at your door unexpectedly, assuming that you’re ready to
entertain them.
1 2 3 4 5
6. You must wait an extremely long time at a medical or dental office.
1 2 3 4 5
7. You drop a gallon of milk, spilling it all over the floor.
1 2 3 4 5
8. You’re driving behind a car going ten miles under the legal speed limit, and
there is no way you can pass.
1 2 3 4 5
9. You get a ticket for parking illegally.
1 2 3 4 5
10. Someone makes fun of your new haircut.
1 2 3 45
11. At work, a recent effort is criticized by your boss in front of several of your
colleagues.
1 2 3 4 5
12. At the last minute, a friend cancels out of plans you’d made for the evening
1 2 3 4 5
13. Someone takes credit for work you did.
1 2 3 4 5
14. You discover that someone is gossiping about you.
1 2 3 4 5
15. Someone to whom you’re speaking doesn’t even pretend to be listening to
you.
1 2 3 4 5
16. A friend borrows something of yours — car, book, clothing, etc. — and
returns it damaged and makes no mention of its condition.
1 2 3 4 5
17. Your judgment or intelligence is called into question.
1 2 3 4 5
18. A pen breaks in the pocket of your favorite suit.
1 2 3 4 5
19. An expensive item of clothing returns from the cleaners with a large stain on
it.
1 2 3 4 5
20. Someone at work goes through your desk drawers without your permission.
1 2 3 4 5
21. At the very last minute, you are asked to make a presentation at work on a
subject with which you are mostly unfamiliar.
1 2 3 4 5
22. Your spouse or partner makes a major purchase without consulting you.
1 2 3 4 5
23. Friends bring their toddler to your home and sit silently as the child wreaks
havoc on your belongings.
1 2 3 4 5
24. Despite your certainty, you are unable to convince your bank that they have
made an error adversely affecting your balance.
1 2 3 4 5
25. A friend tells someone else personal information you’ve revealed in
confidence.
1 2 3 4 5
Add the numbers you’ve circled. If your total score is:
25 - 50: While there is probably always room for improvement, you remain
admirably calm in the face of potentially vexing situations. You have
learned there are other options besides anger as reactions to change
and sudden or unpleasant developments.
51 - 100: Your ability to contain conflict and anger at generally manageable
and non-destructive levels still needs work. You opt for anger more
often than you should.
101-125: You literally are in the process of killing yourself. Volcanic reactions
like yours to life’s difficult situations do harm to your health. It is
probable that you have jeopardized or completely lost some
friendships and/or working relationships. Improving your skills is
essential to survival.
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How To Manage Conflict
by Peg Pickering
Career Press
ISBN: 1564144402 Pub
Date: 11/01/99
Previous Table of Contents Next
Chapter 2
TYPES OF CONFLICT
Categorizing conflicts, their causes, and the typical reactions to them can be a complex undertaking.
When you’ve completed this chapter, you’ll have a firm understanding of internal, interpersonal, intraand
inter-group conflicts as well as the differences between substantive, personality, and communicationbased
conflicts. Additionally, you’ll be able to identify the psychological needs at the base of much
conflict as well as the four categories of reactions.
Internal Conflict
Internal conflict is a disturbance that which rages within oneself. It involves emotional dissonance for an
individual when expertise, interest, goals, or values are stretched to meet certain tasks or expectations
beyond the comfort level or when these items are in direct conflict with each other. Internal conflict
reflects the gap between what you say you want and what you do about it. It hampers daily life and can
immobilize some people.
At the mildest levels of internal conflict, you’ll have headaches and possibly backaches. Stress
management techniques are a critical antidote for this type of conflict. When we reach the “burnout”
levels of stress, we are at stage two of internal conflict. The destructive nature of suicidal thoughts are an
example of stage three.
How an individual copes with internal conflict will determine whether interpersonal conflict can be
effectively addressed. Conflict can’t be managed externally until you have control of yourself internally!
Here are self-assessment questions to help you determine whether internal conflict is a current issue for
you.
• Are there people you avoid? Avoidance is a coping mechanism and usually allows for low
levels of stress and conflict.
• Do you find yourself looking for some release from the day-to-day pressures of work? One
school of thought teaches that we can vent our feelings and emotions by redirecting the energy
into other activities. This does work for some. The important point is to be aware of our need to
vent since it’s another sign of internal conflict.
• Do you find it nearly impossible to get out of a problem-solving mode, even after you’ve left
the office? If you care about an issue, you are more likely to experience stress over its lack of
resolution. Conflict is one barometer of our concern. An inability to “put things aside” indicates
an internal seething common to those struggling with internal conflict.
• Are you more short-tempered than you used to be or than you’d like to be?
• Do you feel you have few choices in your life? That there is an abundance of things you “have
to do”?
• Do you find yourself complaining more and more frequently?
• Do you have sudden bursts of energy and start multiple projects only to run out of steam and
abandon them unfinished?
• Do you find yourself coming up with “perfectly good reasons” not to change?
Don’t despair if you answered yes to most or even all of the questions above. Most people do. Internal
conflict can be an alerting mechanism that shows you where energy is being drained away and where
you need to focus your personal management skills.
Interpersonal Conflict
Interpersonal conflict is that which exists between individuals. Every human being has four basic
psychological needs which, when violated, will automatically spark a conflict: the need to be valued and
treated as an individual, to be in control, to have strong self-esteem, and to be consistent.
• The need to be valued and treated as an individual. We all want to have others recognize our
worth and to value us and our contribution. That is why recognition is the best motivator for
people. We love to be told what we’ve done right and to be given credit for our ideas. When we
feel unappreciated, taken for granted, or taken advantage of, our need to be valued has been
violated, triggering our fear/anger response.
• The need to be in control. Being in control is an issue for everyone ... more for some than
others. Most excessively controlling people are really very insecure. The more secure you feel
within yourself, the less need you have to control others. Keep this in mind the next time you
must deal with a very controlling individual.
• The need for self-esteem. Strong self-esteem lays a solid foundation for dealing appropriately
with all types of situations. It is the key to our ability to respond rather than react. Responding to
a problem indicates a positive, controlled, solution-oriented approach. Reacting is a negative, and
frequently inappropriate, emotional, knee-jerk answer. (For example, the patient is responding to
treatment vs. reacting to a medication.)
• The need to be consistent. Once you’ve dug in your heels and taken a hard stand on an issue,
it’s difficult to reverse yourself and admit you are wrong. The need to be consistent coupled with
the need to be right makes saving face an important factor in most conflicts.
When these needs are violated, human beings react in one of four ways: we retaliate, dominate, isolate,
or cooperate.
Retaliate: “I don’t get mad, I get even.” In many instances retaliation feels like a good option. The
momentary satisfaction of getting back at the other party is tempting (like the airline attendant who
routed the bags of an obnoxious Cleveland-bound passenger to Tokyo instead!) But retaliation is always
a mistake. That fleeting moment of victory always precipitates even greater conflicts down the road.
What goes around, comes around.
Dominate: “My way or else!” Bullying behavior and running roughshod over the other party are
common responses for some. People with short tempers and strong opinions may fall into the
domination mode automatically if they are not extremely careful. While there are times when this
approach is appropriate (immediate safety and security issues), it is typically very hard on the long-term
relationship and will invariably spark additional problems later.
Isolate: Sometimes simply accepting or ignoring the situation without response is a good idea. Just be
sure you have truly accepted it as opposed to suppressing it. If you can accept it and let it go, great. If,
however, it continues to bother you, to fester inside, to build upon other issues you’ve ignored, it’s a
time bomb just waiting to explode. At some point, your charming, easy-going personality will turn ugly
for little or no apparent reason as the lid blows off the pressure keg. Your desire to avoid confronting a
small issue up front has turned it into a much larger, much less easily managed situation.
Cooperate: The last and preferred option is to confront the issue immediately. Many people recoil at the
concept of confrontation and think it, by definition, must be a loud, unpleasant experience. To confront
an issue simply means to address it and put it on the table for discussion.
As previously stated, behavior not confronted will not change. If someone is doing something you find
troublesome, you must address it if you want it to change. Amazingly, many people engaging in
problematic behavior have no idea they’re doing anything disturbing. Almost half of them will change
that behavior as soon as its bothersome nature is brought to their attention. Half! But if you fail to
confront the problem, they are not even aware of the need for a change and your cause is lost because of
your own inaction. Each individual must take personal responsibility for raising issues of importance to
him and communicate concerns clearly.
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How To Manage Conflict
by Peg Pickering
Career Press
ISBN: 1564144402 Pub
Date: 11/01/99
Previous Table of Contents Next
Types of Interpersonal Conflict
Individuals in conflict typically believe they know the cause of the conflict, but they are frequently
wrong. By the time a conflict reaches a level where people are willing to deal with it, the real conflict is
actually an accumulation of half-remembered and relatively minor issues. Many times, people are not
even sure what the basis of the conflict is.
• Is it a substantive conflict? Issue based? A conflict about decisions ideas, directions, actions?
• Is it a personalized conflict? Personality based? Fueled by emotion? Does it question motives
and character?
• Is it simply a problem of communication?
Group Dynamics of Conflict
Intragroup conflict is that which exists between individuals within a particular group (team, department,
company, etc.) while intergroup involves more than one group (multiple teams, departments,
organizations, etc.). The group aspect of these conflicts further complicates them. Not only must
individuals deal with their internal issues and with each other as individuals, they must cope with the
overall interaction of all the players. Frequently, group conflicts take on a life of their own and problems
are magnified by politics, rumor, and innuendo. This multiplication of issues creates additional layers of
complexity to each conflict.
Intergroup conflict is the most complex and most serious to the organization. Any time conflict escalates
and spreads among groups, the gossip and rumor mill create havoc and damage you and your business.
It is best to address conflict when it involves only the smallest segment of people. An excellent first step
is to classify the event and identify what it is doing to you personally, who else is involved and whether
the conflict has spread from a localized, tightly focused situation to a broader-based conflict involving
more people.
You can always assume that the increase in people brings generalized problems that are less clearly
defined and much more likely to require multiple solutions. The likelihood of destruction and harm to
others increases greatly once multiple personalities become involved.
Once you have assessed the conflict, a conflict management/resolution strategy can be selected. These
strategies are discussed in detail in Chapters 4 and 5.
Reflections
• How much internal conflict do you have in your life? (Review the questions in
the Internal Conflict section of this chapter.) What’s your stress level? List three
things you can do to immediately move toward greater inner peace.
• Which of the four psychological needs are most frequently triggered in you?
What can you do to lower that threshold?
• Of the four reaction styles: retaliate, dominate, isolate or cooperate which is
your standard response? Ask three other people who know you well to see
whether your perception matches theirs. How will you become more likely to
cooperate rather than the behaviors listed as other choices?
Read each statement and circle the response that most reflects your belief.
Part I. When my stress level is minimal and manageable:
1. I have no doubts about what I want from life and work.
Usually Sometimes Always Never
2. 1________________ most people.
Like Trust Evaluate Dislike
3. What I usually do with my opinions:
Voice them to others Keep them to myself
4. I live up to my promises:
Because I want to Because I need to
If I have to When I can
5. I describe problems as:
Opportunities Something to make the best of
Caused by stupid mistakes Normal way of life
6. My goals are:
Well chosen Somewhat realistic
Admirable Same as always
7. On a good day 1:
Treat people and tasks equally
Concentrate on keeping people happy
Concentrate on getting job done
Concentrate on getting through the day
Read each statement and circle the response that most reflects your belief.
Part II. When my stress level is rising:
1. I am sincere and considerate of others:
Most of the time Sometimes
Even when they don’t When I can deserve it
2. My decisions are made:
Easily Carefully Quickly Alone
3. Mistakes add to my:
Growth Embarrassment Frustration Despair
4. When I’m really stressed I am:
Hopeful Careful Forceful Depressed
5. When I’m really stressed I am:
Confident Still a nice person
As patient as I can be Not my usual self
6. My sense of purpose and direction is:
Clear Weak Right Absent
7. On a bad day I am:
My own best friend My own biggest obstacle
The only one I can count on No good to anybody
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How To Manage Conflict
by Peg Pickering
Career Press
ISBN: 1564144402 Pub
Date: 11/01/99
Previous Table of Contents Next
Chapter 3
IDENTIFYING CONFLICT STAGES
Effective conflict management results when you develop and implement a deliberate conflict strategy.
The intensity of the conflict determines which strategies will be the most effective. Different levels of
conflict involve varying degrees of emotional involvement and intensity.
As conflict escalates, each individual’s concern for self increases along with the desire to win. Saving
face takes on increased importance at higher levels of conflict. Even normally mild-mannered
individuals can become hostile and hurtful as conflict escalates.
If conflict is identified early and deliberate steps are taken to modify events and manage the emotions,
almost any conflict can become a source of opportunity. Left unchecked, conflict is potentially
dangerous to all involved.
When you’ve completed this chapter, you’ll be able to identify the stages of conflict, characteristics of
each, and methods for effectively dealing with conflict at each level. Additionally, you’ll be able to
assess your own situation(s).
Three Stages of Conflict
Stage One: Everyday Concerns and Disputes. The least threatening of conflicts, stage one conflicts
can best be addressed with coping strategies.
Stage Two: More Significant Challenges. With their longer-term consequences and higher emotional
involvement, managing stage two conflicts requires more training and specific management skills.
Stage Three: Overt Battles. Even nice people can become harmful to others during stage three conflict
when volatile emotions are raging and the desire to win is surpassed by the desire to punish.
Conflict moves between stages but not necessarily in a linear pattern. A stage one conflict on Monday
morning, left unattended, can escalate to stage three by the end of the day. Conversely, high levels of
conflict may dissipate with time, quite unexpectedly. Given this fickle nature of conflict, a complete
understanding of the characteristics and strategies appropriate for each stage is needed.
Characteristics of Stage One Conflict—Everyday Concerns and Disputes
Stage one conflict is real, although low in intensity. This stage is characterized by day-to-day irritations.
Most individuals employ coping strategies unconsciously, and these coping skills are an excellent tool
for these conflicts. But coping strategies, such as tolerating the actions of co-workers, are most effective
when they are deliberate rather than unconscious. Care must be taken so these irritations do not turn into
bigger problems.
The critical variable here is people. Different personalities, coping mechanisms, and ever-changing life
events make it impossible to predict when an individual has had enough. What was tolerable yesterday
may become an issue tomorrow. There’s no way to truly know which straw will break the camel’s back.”
When people work together, differences exist in goals, values, and individual needs. At stage one,
parties feel discomfort and possibly anger but are quick to pass off these emotions. Individuals are
usually willing to work toward a solution, often with a sense of optimism that things can be worked out.
This optimism might be detected as a “no big deal” attitude. Facts and opinions are shared openly with
one another once the problem has surfaced. Communication is usually clear, specific, and solution
oriented—focused on the issues, not the personalities.
The easiest way to discern whether you are in a stage one conflict or a more intense level is to observe
participants’ ability to separate people from the problem. Brainstorming and creative problem-solving
work well at stage one because participants are willing to discuss problems rather than personalities.
Listening and participation are essential at this level. As a conflict manager, initiate joint listening and
exploration ventures with an emphasis on teamwork and shared responsibility. This strategy focuses all
the participants in a common direction and allows everyone to contribute.
Coping Strategies for Stage One Conflict
Avoidance is one effective coping strategy for stage one conflicts. The deliberate coping strategy of
avoidance happens when you determine there is neither time nor motivation to alter the idiosyncrasies of
another. You pass off minor things rather than deal with them. You keep silent on an issue rather than
spark a spirited discussion with your boss. If your contact with the person is minimal, the chances are
good that you have managed the irritation appropriately. At this stage, a “live and let live” attitude works
well.
But beware. Too many irritations can create undercurrents that, if not addressed, will complicate future
issues. Remember your grade school playground when teams were picked and friends paired off?
Instantly, a coping strategy was initiated by those doing the choosing and those chosen last. The games
went on, but feelings of alienation were sometimes generated and carried for months, even years, to
come. Similar feelings are produced during daily contacts with other people.
Obliging is a slightly stronger form of avoidance, where an individual gives in to another. Obliging
involves one’s desire to fit in and belong. This desire is usually strong and overrides lower levels of
conflict. This strategy uses a give-in attitude so things can keep moving. Deliberate obliging can be
beneficial to team effort, but there is no way to predict how long an individual will oblige.
Additional stage one conflict strategies might include:
• Initiating a process that examines both sides. Can a framework be built that encourages
understanding of one another?
• Asking if the reaction is proportional to the situation. Is either party carrying residual emotions
from another event? Is this event isolated or do the feelings reflect previous disagreements?
• Identifying points of agreement and working from these points first; then identifying points of
disagreement. Is it possible to leap the hurdle of conflict by seeing the whole picture?
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How To Manage Conflict
by Peg Pickering
Career Press
ISBN: 1564144402 Pub
Date: 11/01/99
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Characteristics of Stage Two Conflict—More Significant Challenges
Conflict takes on the element of competition at stage two, typified by a win-lose attitude. Losses seem
greater at this stage because people are more personally invested in the problems. Self-interest and
saving face becomes very important. A “cover yourself’ attitude can also be observed. At stage two
people keep track of verbal victories and record mistakes, witnesses take sides, and an imaginary debate
develops with scores being tallied. Alliances and cliques begin to form. As a result, the level of
commitment required to work through stage two conflict is significantly higher than that required at
stage one.
Notice the words people select to describe a conflict or disagreement. In a stage two conflict, the
language is less specific; people talk in generalizations. You’ll hear references to the phantom “they”
and comments like “everyone believes.” Words of exaggeration like “always” and “never” increase in
frequency during stage two conflict.
Because the conflict is more complex at stage two, problems can no longer be managed with coping
strategies. At this stage, the people are the problem. A discussion of the issues often proves futile as
parties continually drift into personality concerns. In fact, you notice resistance when attempts are made
to address the issues directly.
It’s important to note that the atmosphere is not necessarily hostile at stage two; but it is very cautious!
Putdowns, sarcasm, and innuendoes are survival tactics used during stage two conflict. The coping
strategies such as avoidance and obliging that worked so well at stage one are ineffective at stage two. A
“wait-and-see” attitude degenerates into a “you prove yourself to me” attitude at stage two. Competing
parties are less likely to provide accurate facts to one another because the trust level has declined.
To manage conflict effectively at stage two, you must implement a people management strategy.
Management Strategies to Handle Stage Two Conflict
• Create a safe atmosphere. Provide an environment where everyone is secure.
— Make the setting informal
— Establish neutral turf
— Have an agenda
— Be in control
— Set the tone
— Be slightly vulnerable
• Be hard on the facts, soft on the people. Take an extended amount of time to get every detail.
Clarify generalizations. Who are “they”? Is “always” an accurate statement? Question whether
any fact was missed.
• Do the initial work as a team, sharing in the responsibility for finding an alternative everyone
can live with. Stress the necessity of equal responsibility.
• Look for middle ground but do not suggest compromise. Compromise implies giving up
cherished points. Instead, creatively look for the middle ground by focusing on points of
agreement.
• Allow time to pull competing parties toward acceptable ground without forcing issues or
concessions.
• Competing parties should be seated next to each other rather than across a table. A round table
also works well.
Stage two conflict left unchecked will delude thinking and magnify the problems. Conflicting parties see
themselves as more benevolent and others as more evil than is actually the case. When you notice
comments that focus on either/or or black and white thinking, conflict has escalated into stage three.
Characteristics of Stage Three Conflict—Overt Battles
At stage three, the objective shifts from wanting to win toward wanting to hurt. The motivation is to get
rid of the other party. Changing the situation and problem-solving are no longer satisfactory for those
locked into stage three conflict. Being right and punishing those who are wrong becomes the consuming
motivation.
Individuals choose sides on the issues that matter and insiders and outsiders are identified by the
competing parties. “What’s good for me” and “What’s good for the organization” become synonymous
in the minds of individuals holding a position in a stage three conflict.
Leaders emerge from the group and act as spokespersons. Positions are polarized; small factions evolve
and group cohesiveness is more important than organizational unity. The merits of an argument and the
strength with which positions are held are greatly exaggerated at this stage. A loss of perspective is quite
likely on the part of all participants.
Logic and reason are not effective in dissuading others at this stage. Because everyone will not hold
stage three intensity in the conflict, identify those individuals who are at the lower stages of conflict and
begin redirecting these individuals, providing an alternative source for their energy.
Clear corporate goals and a sense of direction will be necessary for individuals to walk away from stage
three conflict as winners. The good conflict manager delegates tasks to people and redirects events,
encouraging the skills of everyone. This is not the time to cover up the event, but it need not be the allconsuming
issue individuals have made it out to be.
Intervention Strategies for Stage Three Conflict
When conflict escalates to stage three, the best strategy you can employ is to minimize the losses and
prepare to refocus those who remain. What do you do with the losers? Possible replacement or
outplacement can be tried. A cooling off period for the losers might also be initiated once a decision is
made. It is vital that you have a complete grasp of the negotiation/arbitration process, or you may find
you have nothing left to manage.
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How To Manage Conflict
by Peg Pickering
Career Press
ISBN: 1564144402 Pub
Date: 11/01/99
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One tactic you should consider once you observe stage three attitudes is the initiation of an intervention
team that is neutral to the groups in conflict. For example, members from a disinterested department
could be formed to address the concerns and issues of each party. The role of such an intervention team
could take the form of negotiation, mediation, or arbitration.
• Negotiation: Requires parties to sit across from one another and work through the conflict in
the presence of an outside agent. This process, once begun, can produce solutions to the problem
but is not likely to produce harmony. At stage three, parties have decided that someone must go.
• Mediation: Both sides present their case to the intervention team and the team facilitates
discussion and encourages movement toward a mutually acceptable solution. Usually, the
opposing parties remain responsible for finding common ground and solutions in mediation.
• Arbitration: Each side presents its best case; the intervention team chooses one side over the
other. There is obviously a great deal to be lost by both sides once this tactic is used but it can
bring an end to high level conflict. Arbitration, especially binding arbitration, demands
enforcement. All parties must follow and accept the conclusions of the intervention team.
The members of an intervention team must be perceived as totally impartial, able to provide a fair
hearing for everyone. This intervention team will be required to sift through many emotions in search of
facts and must also provide clear-cut direction at the conclusion of the fact-finding process.
Individuals locked into a stage three conflict will likely prolong the conflict, consumed by the event and
the energy it provides. Even after management has made its conclusions, some will continue the fight,
pursuing their own objectives.
Additional detail regarding the intervention team can be found in Chapter 6.
Reflections
Step 1: Consider the eleven statements in the context of your workplace. Give your
honest response by circling the appropriate number.
1 = Strongly Disagree 5 = Strongly Agree
1. The people I work with encourage each other.
1 2 3 4 5
2. We look for ways to help each other.
1 2 3 4 5
3. We respect different viewpoints.
1 2 3 4 5
4. We are creative in finding solutions when working through disagreements.
1 2 3 4 5
5. We share our knowledge so that each person can be more successful.
1 2 3 4 5
6. We ask for input about our performance from each other: associates and
customers.
1 2 3 4 5
7. We believe in continuous improvement and our actions reflect this belief.
1 2 3 4 5
8. We are actively in charge of our behavior and we direct ourselves toward our
mission.
1 2 3 4 5
9. We learn from our mistakes.
1 2 3 4 5
10. We don’t waste time affixing blame.
1 2 3 4 5
11. We eliminate outdated policies, procedures, and methods.
1 2 3 4 5
Scoring:
• A total of 44 or more indicates a strong environment for coping with concerns
and creating positive change. Most conflicts can be dealt with at stage one levels.
• Scores below 33 signal significant work to be done. Stage one conflicts are
rare; but stage two and stage three problems are frequent.
Step 2: Have each member of your team or department complete this same assessment.
Review the results and compare individual perceptions. Outline a plan to improve your
working relationships in the weakest areas.
Consider a current conflict situation. Complete the following Conflict Assessment
Checklist to see in which stage your conflict currently is.
STAGE ONE
Yes No
1. Are individuals willing to meet and discuss facts?
2. Is there a sense of optimism?
3. Is there a cooperative spirit?
4. Does a “live and let live” attitude typify the atmosphere?
5. Can individuals discuss issues without involving personalities?
6. Are parties able to stay focused on the present, not the past?
7. Is the language specific?
8. Are solutions the dominate focus (as opposed to blame)?
STAGE TWO
Yes No
1. Is there a competitive attitude?
2. Is there an emphasis on winners and losers?
3. Is it hard to talk about problems without talking about people?
4. Is the language generalized?
5. Can you identify these statements:
“They ...”
“Everyone is ...”
“You always ...”
“He never ...”
6. Is there a cautious nature when issues are discussed?
7. Can you detect a “cover-your-hind-end” attitude?
8. Do the parties make efforts to look good?
STAGE THREE
Yes No
1. Are attempts being made to get rid of others?
2. Is there an intention to hurt?
3. Have obvious leaders or spokespersons emerged?
4. Is there a choosing up of sides?
5. Has corporate good become identified with a set of special interests?
6. Is there a sense of “holy mission” on the part of certain parties?
7. Is there a sense that things will never stop?
8. Has then been a loss of middle ground, allowing only black or white options?
• Evaluate your Conflict Management Strategy choices in light of what you’ve
discovered. (Generally, your conflict is in the stage where you had the most yes
answers. Be sure to keep in mind those factors resulting from the yes answers
you have in the other stages as well. Real world conflicts are in a continuous
state of flux and seldom fit perfectly into one stage or another.
• What would be your best approach?
• What will be your next step?
• When will you implement it?
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How To Manage Conflict
by Peg Pickering
Career Press
ISBN: 1564144402 Pub
Date: 11/01/99
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Chapter 4
CONFLICT MANAGEMENT STYLES
There are five universally accepted approaches to conflict management. No one approach will work in
all situations. It is, therefore, important to develop the ability to use each style in appropriate situations.
Some styles will be more comfortable for you than others; they fit your natural style. Your challenge is
to master those styles that you find personally difficult. When you’ve completed this chapter, you’ll be
able to identify all five conflict management styles; identify situations in which each style is effective
and situations where it is not; and assess your own personal conflict management style strengths and
weaknesses.
Styles of Conflict Management
The chart illustrates five conflict styles. An individual with a knowledge of these styles can select the
style most appropriate for a specific conflict. Once a style is identified, it is also possible to better
understand the motivations of others during conflict
Collaboration is the win/win conflict management style. Individuals who choose this style seek an
exchange of information. There is a desire to examine differences and reach a solution that is acceptable
to all parties. This style is typically associated with problem-solving and is effective when issues are
complex.
The collaborative style encourages creative thinking. Developing alternatives is one of the strengths of
this style. Its emphasis on all parties synthesizes information from divergent perspectives. However, it is
not an effective style when a party lacks commitment or when time is limited. Collaboration takes time.
It can be a frustrating style during higher levels of conflict when reason and rational considerations are
often overshadowed by emotional commitments to a position.
The collaborative style rallies people to find solutions to complex issues. It is excellent when people and
the problem are clearly separate, and usually fruitless when people really want to fight. The
collaborative style can be a positive motivator in brainstorming or problem-solving sessions. Just be sure
everyone with an interest in the situation is included.
Phrases you can use to trigger the collaborative conflict management style include:
• “There seems to be different opinions here, let’s get to the bottom of this.”
• “Let’s get several people from each department together and discuss the options.”
Obliging, also called placating, is another style of conflict management. Obliging places a high value on
others but a low value on self, perhaps reflecting an individual’s low self-esteem. It’s also a strategy that
can be used to deliberately elevate another person, making them feel better about an issue. This use of
obliging by raising another’s status is useful, especially if your position within the company is not a
politically precarious one.
The obliging strategy plays down the differences between parties while looking for common ground.
The high concern for others causes an individual to satisfy and meet the needs of others, often giving up
something of importance to self. Obliging, when used effectively, can preserve a relationship. Obliging
used unconsciously can create instant doormats with the words boldly printed, “Please walk over me.”
This style is useful if a manager is unsure of a position or fears a mistake has been made. By using the
obliging style, the manager passively accepts the power of others, buying time to assess situations, and
survey alternatives.
The obliging style gives power to others. If you’ve got expendable power, it can build trust and
confidence in others. If you are secure in your position, it can be used as a method of delegation. Phrases
that signal the obliging style include:
• “I don’t care, whatever you want.”
• “You’re the expert, what do you think?”
Dominating is the opposite of obliging. The emphasis is placed on self. Whereas the obliging individual
may neglect his own needs, the dominating style overlooks the needs of others. It is an effective strategy
when a quick decision is needed or if a matter is unimportant.
This strategy can be reactionary, activated by self-preservation. It is reflected during an attack
championed by the philosophy, “It is better to shoot at ’em than be shot at.” When an issue is important,
a dominating style will force others to pay attention to a specific set of needs.
The dominating style is used effectively when there is a great disparity of expertise. The ability to
marshal the facts, boldly assess issues, provide expert counsel, and generate action during conflict can
be invaluable. However, the flip side of direct action is incorrect action. Misplaced power can
undermine future success. The dominating style is also most frequently associated with the bully and the
“hardball tactics” of power brokers.
It is best to use this strategy sparingly. It lasts only as long as you have right and might on your side.
Companies with a strong chain of command tend to favor this style. It usually delineates clearly where
the buck stops and who holds responsibility. If you work in a system that frequently manages people and
conflict with a dominating style, you’ll recognize “cover-your-hind-end” thinking as a back-up strategy.
Phrases that indicate the dominating style:
• “I don’t care, just do what I asked you to do.”
• “It doesn’t matter. That’s the way it is.”
Avoiding is the fourth conflict management style. The avoider does not place a high value on either self
or others. This is a “don’t-rock-the-boat” style.
The negative aspects of the avoiding style include passing the buck or sidestepping an issue. An
individual using this style will withdraw from the events, leaving others to struggle with the results.
When issues are not important, deferring action allows things to cool off — an effective use of
avoidance. It is also an effective style when time is needed. For example, during a board meeting an item
can be tabled or a postponement set.
On the other hand, this style can be frustrating for others because answers are slow in developing. Little
satisfaction stems from the avoiding style, and conflict tends to run its own course when the avoiding
style is used.
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by Peg Pickering
Career Press
ISBN: 1564144402 Pub
Date: 11/01/99
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The avoidance style buys time. Use it wisely. If you notice an individual using this style, it should be a
clue that the other person is uncertain and needs time to investigate the situation. Above all, make it a
point to follow up once time is granted. Conflict usually does not go away with time.
Phrases that signal the avoiding style include:
• “Can we put this on hold temporarily?”
• “I haven’t seen all the facts, I’ll get back to you when ...”
Do you have an avoider working with you? Are you wondering how to get an issue moving? Here are
some coping mechanisms and reminders:
• You cannot care about people who do not care for themselves! You can sympathize, love, and
cajole, but the avoider must have enough concern for self or others before significant movement
can take place.
• Communicate your enthusiasm and hopes. Avoid the negative. Overcome the forces of
inactivity by moving in a positive direction.
• Let them off the hook. Separate the people from the problem for them. Provide a focus on the
problem.
• Play on the avoider’s sense of honesty. Seek out and define the reasons for resistance and
inactivity.
• Limit the number of variables presented to the avoider. Place one issue on an agenda; remove
others. Make a decision easier by eliminating distractions.
• Set a deadline.
Compromising is another conflict management style. It is pictured in the center of the Five Conflict
Styles chart at the beginning of this chapter —rating neither high nor low in concern for others or self.
This is a middle-of-the-road orientation. In compromise, everyone has something to give and something
to take. It is powerful when both sides are right. It errs when one side is wrong!
The compromise is most effective as a tool when issues are complex or when there is a balance of
power. Compromise can be chosen when other methods have failed and both parties are ready to clarify
polarities and look for middle ground. Compromise may mean splitting the difference or exchanging
concessions. It almost always means all parties give up something in order to attain resolution.
Negotiation and bargaining are complementary skills to the compromise style. The advantage of
compromise is that it gets parties talking about the issues and hopefully moves them closer together. It
will always be difficult to maintain impartiality, and you can expect to be accused of favoritism when
this style is used. Rarely can business afford winners and losers, so use this style only when the losses
can be minimized for both sides!
When embarking on a compromise, ask both parties to thoughtfully answer these four questions:
1. What is the minimum I can accept?
2. What is the maximum I can go for without getting thrown out of the room?
3. What is the maximum I can give up?
4. What is the least I can offer without getting thrown out of the room?
Stage one and even stage two conflict can employ compromise with some success, but once stage three
has been reached, all parties may see a compromise as making them losers and seek retribution either
overtly or through another situation down the road.
Phrases that indicate a compromising approach include:
• “I can see we have differing opinions. What’s your bottom line?”
• “We all have to give and take if we’re going to work together, so let’s put things on the table.”
The five styles of conflict management provide a structure for action. A knowledge of these styles
increases your understanding of conflict and of your own conflict management style.
Factors Affecting Your Approach
K Knowledge:
• How much do you know about the other person’s issue?
• How much does the other person know about your issue?
• How familiar are you with the subject?
• Do you have knowledge that the other person doesn’t have?
A Authority:
• Do you have the authority to make a decision?
• Does the other person have authority to make a decision?
P Power:
• How much leverage can you bring to bear on the situation?
• How much power does the other person have over you? (Remember: Knowledge is power.)
O Others:
• How important is the relationship to you?
• How important is the relationship to the other person?
W Winning:
• How important is the aspect of winning?
• Do you have to win?
• Does the other party have to win?
• Is compromise acceptable?
• Is losing acceptable?
Handling Conflict the ACES Way
A Assess the situation.
C Clarify the issues.
E Evaluate alternative approaches.
S Solve the problem.
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How To Manage Conflict
by Peg Pickering
Career Press
ISBN: 1564144402 Pub
Date: 11/01/99
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Reflections
Conflict Management Style Survey
Rank items A through E for each item. Place the number 5 next to the best response for
you, then 4 for the next best, then 3, then 2, then 1 for the least accurate one. Try not to
agonize over these. There are no right or wrong answers, only truthful ones. Generally,
your initial gut response is the most accurate one. Make your choices quickly. You must
rank all 5 choices for each question — even those with whichyou struggle with.
1. When you have strong feelings in a conflict situation, you would:
_____A. Enjoy the emotional release and sense of exhilaration and
accomplishment.
_____B. Enjoy the challenge of the conflict.
_____C. Become serious and concerned about how others are feeling and
thinking.
_____D. Find it frightening because someone will get hurt.
_____E. Become convinced there is nothing you can do to resolve the issue.
2. What’s the best result you can expect from a conflict?
_____A. Conflict helps people face facts.
_____B. Conflict cancels out extremes in thinking so a strong middle ground can
be reached.
_____C. Conflict clears the air, enhances commitment and results.
_____D. Conflict demonstrates the absurdity of self-centeredness and draws
people closer together.
_____E. Conflict lessens complacency and assigns blame where it belongs.
3. When you have authority in a conflict situation, you would:
_____A. Put it straight and let others know your view.
_____B. Try to negotiate the best settlement.
_____C. Ask for other viewpoints and suggest that a position be found that both
sides might try.
_____D. Go along with the others, providing support where you can.
_____E. Keep the encounter impersonal, citing rules if they apply.
4. When someone takes an unreasonable position, you would:
_____A. Lay it on the line and say that you don’t like it.
_____B. Let him or her know in casual, subtle ways that you’re not pleased;
possibly distract with humor; and avoid direct confrontation.
_____C. Call attention to the conflict and explore mutually acceptable solutions.
_____D. Keep your misgivings to yourself.
_____E. Let your actions speak for you, possibly using depression or lack of
interest.
5. When you become angry with a peer, you:
_____A. Explode without giving it much thought.
_____B. Smooth things over with a good story.
_____C. Express your anger and invite a response.
_____D. Compensate for your anger by acting the opposite of your feelings.
_____E. Remove yourself from the situation.
6. When you find yourself disagreeing with other members about a project,
you:
_____A. Stand by your convictions and defend them.
_____B. Appeal to the logic of the group in the hope of convincing at least a
majority you are right.
_____C. Explore points of agreement and disagreement, then search for
alternatives that take everyone’s views into account.
_____D. Go along with the group.
_____E. Do not participate in the discussion and don’t feel bound by any
decision made.
7. When one group member takes a position in opposition to the rest of the
group, you would:
_____A. Point out publicly that the dissenting member is blocking the group and
suggest that the group move on without him or her if necessary.
_____B. Make sure the dissenting member has a chance to communicate his or
her objections so that a compromise can be reached.
_____C. Try to uncover why the dissenting member views that issue differently
so that the group’s members can re-evaluate their own positions.
_____D. Encourage members to set the conflict aside and go on to more
agreeable items on the agenda.
_____E. Remain silent because it is best to avoid becoming involved.
8. When you see conflict emerging in your team, you would:
_____A. Push for a quick decision to ensure that the task is completed.
_____B. Avoid outright confrontation by moving the discussion toward a middle
ground.
_____C. Share with the group your impression of what is going on so that the
nature of the impending conflict can be discussed.
_____D. Relieve the tension with humor.
_____E. Stay out of the conflict as long as it is of no concern to you.
9. In handling conflict between group members, you would:
_____A. Anticipate areas of resistance and prepare responses to objections prior
to open conflict.
_____B. Encourage your members to be prepared by identifying in advance
areas of possible compromise.
_____C. Recognize that conflict is healthy and press for the identification of
shared concerns and/or goals.
_____D. Promote harmony on the grounds that the only real result of conflict is
the destruction of friendly relations.
_____E. Submit the issue to an impartial arbitrator.
10. In your view, what might be the reason for the failure of one group to
work with another?
_____A. Lack of a clearly stated position or failure to back up the group’s
position.
_____B. Tendency of groups to force their leaders to abide by the group’s
decision, as opposed to promoting flexibility, which would facilitate
compromise.
_____C. Tendency of groups to enter negotiations with a win/lose perspective.
_____D. Lack of motivation on the part of the group’s leaders, resulting in the
leaders placing emphasis on maintaining their own power positions rather than
addressing the issues involved.
_____E. Irresponsible behavior on the part of the group’s leaders, resulting in the
leaders placing emphasis on maintaining their own power positions rather than
addressing the issues involved.
Scoring:
Go back and total the numbers you have placed for each letter and record the totals
below. (Add up all the numbers for A and record. Then add all the numbers for B, etc.)
For example, if you had placed the number 5 next to A for all 10 questions, your score
for A would be 50.
A _______________ D _______________
B _______________ E _______________
C _______________
Column A: Dominating Style
Column B: Compromising Style
Column C: Collaborative Style
Column D: Obliging Style
Column E: Avoiding Style
Look at your totals.
• The highest number typically represents the conflict management style you
perceive yourself to use most. (Most people see themselves as collaborators.)
• Look at the second highest number. It typically more accurately represents
your strongest conflict management style.
• The lowest number represents the style in which your skills are typically the
weakest.
Outline a plan to strengthen your weakest conflict management style.
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How To Manage Conflict
by Peg Pickering
Career Press
ISBN: 1564144402 Pub
Date: 11/01/99
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Chapter 5
CONSTRUCTIVE MANAGEMENT STYLES
Whether the issue is boardroom planning or conflict on the production line, to be an effective conflict
manager, you must develop a deliberate decision-making process around company goals. When you’ve
completed this chapter you will have these additional tools in your conflict management arsenal: five
principles for maintaining positive relationships during conflict; numerous ways to enhance passive,
aggressive, and manipulative conflict management styles; and ten tips for dealing with angry employees.
Maintaining Positive Relationships During Conflict
Managers set the climate for employees. Trust, openness, and shared responsibility are essential to
effectively dealing with the inevitable organizational conflict. Anger within the organization can either
propel it forward or destroy its ability to function. The way managers deal with conflict and anger plays
a critical role in determining which it will be.
To make the best decisions during conflict, managers need a healthy understanding of relationships.
Here are five principles for maintaining positive relationships during conflict.
Encourage Equal Participation
Shared responsibility increases ownership. Higher stages of conflict cause individuals to become
destructive and lose sight of the organization in favor of personal issues. A simple reminder that “we”
are a team can often encourage the desired ownership. You can also share the leadership responsibility
by expecting team members to think like a manager in the situation, asking for creative responses to
events that promote cooperation rather than split decisions.
Other examples of shared responsibility include subdividing tasks that generate deliberate barriers of
responsibility, and then requiring team leaders to cross the barriers by providing assignments that require
cooperative efforts.
Author Thomas Peter’s fervor about the need for a service-oriented management style applies during
conflict:
“We must fundamentally shift our managerial philosophy from adversarial to cooperative. It is vital to
engage in multi-function problem-solving and to target business systems that cross several functional
boundaries. Ford and IBM both say they
From India, Nasik
15by Peg Pickering
Career Press
ISBN: 1564144402 Pub
Date: 11/01/99
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INTRODUCTION
As the pace of life and business continues to accelerate, the opportunities for conflicts multiply. Yet, the
ability to work well with others is the single greatest determinant of success in the 21st century.
Therefore, learning to disarm and defuse confrontational situations and people is essential. One cannot
work effectively with others with clenched fists.
Managing conflict effectively requires developing competency in five areas:
1. Understand the critical ingredients for collaborative thinking.
2. Align responsibilities to the needs of others.
3. Build into daily interactions the practices necessary for support.
4. Have conflict resolution skills and negotiation skills to resolve various types of challenges.
5. Begin developing personal tools and systems for dealing with tensions and pressures.
One’s ability to build these competencies hinges on four success factors:
• Personal responsibility for one’s own learning and skill development.
• Flexibility of style.
• Ability to listen and provide feedback on what is heard.
• A positive attitude toward change.
Read this handbook carefully and refer to it in the future. Be sure to complete each set of Reflections to
immediately put these critical concepts and principles to work in your life.
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How To Manage Conflict
by Peg Pickering
Career Press
ISBN: 1564144402 Pub
Date: 11/01/99
Introduction
Chapter 1—FUNDAMENTALS OF CONFLICT
What Is Conflict and Why Do We Have So Much of It?
Common Misconceptions About Conflict
Chapter 2—TYPES OF CONFLICT
Internal Conflict
Interpersonal Conflict
Group Dynamics of Conflict
Chapter 3—IDENTIFYING CONFLICT STAGES
Three Stages of Conflict
Characteristics of Stage One Conflict—Everyday Concerns and Disputes
Coping Strategies for Stage One Conflict
Characteristics of Stage Two Conflict—More Significant Challenges
Management Strategies to Handle Stage Two Conflict
Characteristics of Stage Three Conflict—Overt Battles
Intervention Strategies for Stage Three Conflict
Chapter 4—CONFLICT MANAGEMENT STYLES
Styles of Conflict Management
Factors Affecting Your Approach
Chapter 5—CONSTRUCTIVE MANAGEMENT STYLES
Maintaining Positive Relationships During Conflict
Leading From Strength
A Passive Management Style
Aggressive and Manipulative Management Styles
Ten Tips for Dealing with Aggressive, Angry Employees
Chapter 6—COMMUNICATION’S CONTRIBUTIONS TO CONFLICT
The Interpersonal Communication Gap
The Constructive Confrontation Model
The Broken Record Technique
Defending Yourself From a Verbal Attack
Chapter 7—EMOTIONAL ASPECTS OF CONFLICT
How to Stay Cool, Calm and in Control ... Most of the Time
The Emotional Response Continuum
Emotional Reflexology
Five Emotional Don’ts During Conflict
Growth or Loss?
Selecting the Intervention Team
Chapter 8—THE INTERVENTION TEAM
Selecting the Intervention Team
Guidelines for an Intervention Team
The Five-Step Intervention Process
The Along-Side Plan
Chapter 9—DEALING WITH ANGRY CUSTOMERS
Ten Tips for Soothing Angry Customers
Chapter 10—A PARTING PHILOSOPHY
Points to Ponder
Appendix A
Index
How To Manage Conflict
by Peg Pickering
Career Press
ISBN: 1564144402 Pub
Date: 11/01/99
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Chapter 1
FUNDAMENTALS OF CONFLICT
Understanding conflict - its causes and effects - is fundamental to personal and professional success.
Your ability to deal effectively with people, to elicit cooperation even in trying situations, has never
been more important than it is today. When you have completed this chapter, you’ll be able to more
clearly define conflict, identify both its positive and negative effects, and dispel the five most common
misconceptions about it.
What Is Conflict and Why Do We Have So Much of It?
Daniel Webster defines conflict as:
1. competitive or opposing action of incompatibles
2. antagonistic state or action (as of divergent ideas, interests or persons)
3. struggle resulting from incompatible needs, drives, wishes or demands
4. hostile encounter
In essence, conflict exists when two or more competing responses or courses of action to a single event
are considered. Conflict does not necessarily imply hostility, although hostility can certainly become
part of the situation.
Conflict is merely the existence of competing or incompatible options.
That’s simple. Maybe too simple. Conflict in today’s fast-paced, contentious society is inevitable and
rampant. Everywhere you turn, there’s “the existence of competing or incompatible options.”
• Your perfume allergy places you in conflict with many individuals daily.
• You struggle with the same idiots on the freeway going to and from work each day.
• Your career and family create constant time and commitment conflicts.
• A neighbor is threatening to sue you over some trivial disagreement.
• There are so many things you want to accomplish that you’re at a loss where to start.
• Your values and ethics cause perpetual internal re-examination as you face situational ethics
throughout society.
• Your children have decided they know everything and you know nothing.
• Some days you fear your boss agrees with your children!
Sound all too familiar? Unfortunately, there’s more bad news. The potential for conflict will continue to
grow exponentially as the pace of our society continues to accelerate. With explosive technological
advances comes an avalanche of change. Change brings uncertainty, fear, and discomfort, which is
fertile ground for conflict. As a result, conflict resolution skills that were an advantage in the late 20th
century are essential for mere survival in the 21st.
There is good news, however. Contrary to popular belief, conflict is not always a bad thing. In fact,
properly handled conflict can provide numerous benefits to both the individuals involved and their
organizations.
Potential Positive Effects of Conflict
• Increased motivation
• Enhanced problem/solution identification
• Group cohesiveness
• Reality adjustment
• Increased knowledge/skill
• Enhanced creativity
• Contribution to goal attainment
• Incentive for growth
These benefits cannot be realized, however, if the conflict is ignored or poorly handled. In such
instances, conflict becomes detrimental or even destructive.
Potential Negative Effects of Conflict
• Decreased productivity
• Erosion of trust
• Coalition formation with polarized positions
• Secrecy and reduced information flow
• Morale problems
• Consumption of mass amounts of time
• Decision-making paralysis
Obviously, learning to handle conflict effectively is critical. Before immersing yourself in conflict
management techniques, five common misconceptions about conflict need to be addressed.
Common Misconceptions About Conflict
1. Conflict, if left alone, will take care of itself.
2. Confronting an issue or person is always unpleasant.
3. The presence of conflict in an organization is a sign of a poor manager.
4. Conflict among staff is a sign of low concern for the organization.
5. Anger is always negative and destructive.
Misconception #1: Conflict, if left alone, will take care of itself.
Wouldn’t that be nice! Typically, the longer a conflict is ignored, the more difficult it becomes. It
escalates to higher and higher levels of intensity until it becomes so unbearable that it can no longer be
ignored.
Unfortunately, a conflict will dissipate by itself on occasion. Why, you ask, is that unfortunate? If
you’ve ever had a conflict disappear on its own accord, you increase your tendency to hold back, refrain
from facing the issues and avoid dealing with the next conflict in the hope that it, too, will magically
dissipate. And while you’re waiting, the conflict is gaining a life of its own, rising like bread dough, and
becoming more and more unmanageable.
Misconception #2: Confronting an issue or a person is always unpleasant.
Many people would almost rather be shot than have a confrontation! Just the word makes the hair on the
back of the neck stand up. But confronting something does not have to involve a nasty exchange. To
confront simply means:
1. To face, especially in challenge
2. To oppose
3. To cause to meet
4. To bring face to face
Confronting an issue or person simply means putting the items in question on the table to be addressed.
Without this examination, the conflict cannot be successfully resolved. But once the problem(s) have
been properly identified and well-defined, they are already half-solved.
Keep in mind: Behavior not confronted will not change. If someone is doing something or behaving in a
way that is unacceptable to you, you must bring it to their attention. You must confront the issue.
Specific techniques to do so can be found in Chapter 6.
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How To Manage Conflict
by Peg Pickering
Career Press
ISBN: 1564144402 Pub
Date: 11/01/99
Previous Table of Contents Next
Misconception #3: The presence of conflict in an organization is a sign of a poor
manager.
The mere existence of conflict means nothing. It in no way reflects on a manager’s ability. How well the
manager deals with conflict when it arises and how he anticipates potential future problems are the true
measures of the strength of his management skills.
Willie Shoemaker, the jockey who rode the winning Triple Crown horse in the 1960s, was an
extraordinary jockey in part because of his excellent control. The horse never felt his hand on the rein
unless it was needed. A good manager has this “soft set of hands” during conflict.
Misconception #4: Conflict among staff is a sign of low concern for the organization.
Why would people invest enormous amounts of time and emotional energy on things of no consequence
to them? People tend to be emotionally involved in things they care about. Therefore, conflict can be a
sign of genuine concern. Conflict can help clarify emotions and serves to identify underlying values.
Misconception #5: Anger is always negative and destructive.
When aired at lower stages of conflict, anger can be cathartic, helping the parties more clearly identify
the issues and values involved. At higher levels of conflict, however, explosive anger can have the
opposite effect.
Anger itself is neither positive nor negative. How we choose to utilize that anger, however, is vital to our
success in managing conflict. How well we control that anger and our overall stress level will
dramatically impact our ability to effectively handle life’s conflicts.
Reflections
Below are 25 situations in which conflict and anger are likely to arise. Think carefully
about each situation, rate on a scale of 1 - 5 the volatility of your typical reaction, and
circle your response. (1 indicates a relatively calm reaction and 5 indicates a major
eruption.)
1. As you’re about to leave home for an important appointment, you spill coffee
on your clothing.
1 2 3 4 5
2. A car pulls out in front of you, causing you to slam on your brakes, and the
other driver gestures at you as if you’d done something wrong.
1 2 3 4 5
3. You miss a deadline at work because information to be supplied by someone
else arrives late.
1 2 3 4 5
4. A waiter or waitress gets your order all wrong, and you’re served a meal you
don’t want.
1 2 3 4 5
5. Friends arrive at your door unexpectedly, assuming that you’re ready to
entertain them.
1 2 3 4 5
6. You must wait an extremely long time at a medical or dental office.
1 2 3 4 5
7. You drop a gallon of milk, spilling it all over the floor.
1 2 3 4 5
8. You’re driving behind a car going ten miles under the legal speed limit, and
there is no way you can pass.
1 2 3 4 5
9. You get a ticket for parking illegally.
1 2 3 4 5
10. Someone makes fun of your new haircut.
1 2 3 45
11. At work, a recent effort is criticized by your boss in front of several of your
colleagues.
1 2 3 4 5
12. At the last minute, a friend cancels out of plans you’d made for the evening
1 2 3 4 5
13. Someone takes credit for work you did.
1 2 3 4 5
14. You discover that someone is gossiping about you.
1 2 3 4 5
15. Someone to whom you’re speaking doesn’t even pretend to be listening to
you.
1 2 3 4 5
16. A friend borrows something of yours — car, book, clothing, etc. — and
returns it damaged and makes no mention of its condition.
1 2 3 4 5
17. Your judgment or intelligence is called into question.
1 2 3 4 5
18. A pen breaks in the pocket of your favorite suit.
1 2 3 4 5
19. An expensive item of clothing returns from the cleaners with a large stain on
it.
1 2 3 4 5
20. Someone at work goes through your desk drawers without your permission.
1 2 3 4 5
21. At the very last minute, you are asked to make a presentation at work on a
subject with which you are mostly unfamiliar.
1 2 3 4 5
22. Your spouse or partner makes a major purchase without consulting you.
1 2 3 4 5
23. Friends bring their toddler to your home and sit silently as the child wreaks
havoc on your belongings.
1 2 3 4 5
24. Despite your certainty, you are unable to convince your bank that they have
made an error adversely affecting your balance.
1 2 3 4 5
25. A friend tells someone else personal information you’ve revealed in
confidence.
1 2 3 4 5
Add the numbers you’ve circled. If your total score is:
25 - 50: While there is probably always room for improvement, you remain
admirably calm in the face of potentially vexing situations. You have
learned there are other options besides anger as reactions to change
and sudden or unpleasant developments.
51 - 100: Your ability to contain conflict and anger at generally manageable
and non-destructive levels still needs work. You opt for anger more
often than you should.
101-125: You literally are in the process of killing yourself. Volcanic reactions
like yours to life’s difficult situations do harm to your health. It is
probable that you have jeopardized or completely lost some
friendships and/or working relationships. Improving your skills is
essential to survival.
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How To Manage Conflict
by Peg Pickering
Career Press
ISBN: 1564144402 Pub
Date: 11/01/99
Previous Table of Contents Next
Chapter 2
TYPES OF CONFLICT
Categorizing conflicts, their causes, and the typical reactions to them can be a complex undertaking.
When you’ve completed this chapter, you’ll have a firm understanding of internal, interpersonal, intraand
inter-group conflicts as well as the differences between substantive, personality, and communicationbased
conflicts. Additionally, you’ll be able to identify the psychological needs at the base of much
conflict as well as the four categories of reactions.
Internal Conflict
Internal conflict is a disturbance that which rages within oneself. It involves emotional dissonance for an
individual when expertise, interest, goals, or values are stretched to meet certain tasks or expectations
beyond the comfort level or when these items are in direct conflict with each other. Internal conflict
reflects the gap between what you say you want and what you do about it. It hampers daily life and can
immobilize some people.
At the mildest levels of internal conflict, you’ll have headaches and possibly backaches. Stress
management techniques are a critical antidote for this type of conflict. When we reach the “burnout”
levels of stress, we are at stage two of internal conflict. The destructive nature of suicidal thoughts are an
example of stage three.
How an individual copes with internal conflict will determine whether interpersonal conflict can be
effectively addressed. Conflict can’t be managed externally until you have control of yourself internally!
Here are self-assessment questions to help you determine whether internal conflict is a current issue for
you.
• Are there people you avoid? Avoidance is a coping mechanism and usually allows for low
levels of stress and conflict.
• Do you find yourself looking for some release from the day-to-day pressures of work? One
school of thought teaches that we can vent our feelings and emotions by redirecting the energy
into other activities. This does work for some. The important point is to be aware of our need to
vent since it’s another sign of internal conflict.
• Do you find it nearly impossible to get out of a problem-solving mode, even after you’ve left
the office? If you care about an issue, you are more likely to experience stress over its lack of
resolution. Conflict is one barometer of our concern. An inability to “put things aside” indicates
an internal seething common to those struggling with internal conflict.
• Are you more short-tempered than you used to be or than you’d like to be?
• Do you feel you have few choices in your life? That there is an abundance of things you “have
to do”?
• Do you find yourself complaining more and more frequently?
• Do you have sudden bursts of energy and start multiple projects only to run out of steam and
abandon them unfinished?
• Do you find yourself coming up with “perfectly good reasons” not to change?
Don’t despair if you answered yes to most or even all of the questions above. Most people do. Internal
conflict can be an alerting mechanism that shows you where energy is being drained away and where
you need to focus your personal management skills.
Interpersonal Conflict
Interpersonal conflict is that which exists between individuals. Every human being has four basic
psychological needs which, when violated, will automatically spark a conflict: the need to be valued and
treated as an individual, to be in control, to have strong self-esteem, and to be consistent.
• The need to be valued and treated as an individual. We all want to have others recognize our
worth and to value us and our contribution. That is why recognition is the best motivator for
people. We love to be told what we’ve done right and to be given credit for our ideas. When we
feel unappreciated, taken for granted, or taken advantage of, our need to be valued has been
violated, triggering our fear/anger response.
• The need to be in control. Being in control is an issue for everyone ... more for some than
others. Most excessively controlling people are really very insecure. The more secure you feel
within yourself, the less need you have to control others. Keep this in mind the next time you
must deal with a very controlling individual.
• The need for self-esteem. Strong self-esteem lays a solid foundation for dealing appropriately
with all types of situations. It is the key to our ability to respond rather than react. Responding to
a problem indicates a positive, controlled, solution-oriented approach. Reacting is a negative, and
frequently inappropriate, emotional, knee-jerk answer. (For example, the patient is responding to
treatment vs. reacting to a medication.)
• The need to be consistent. Once you’ve dug in your heels and taken a hard stand on an issue,
it’s difficult to reverse yourself and admit you are wrong. The need to be consistent coupled with
the need to be right makes saving face an important factor in most conflicts.
When these needs are violated, human beings react in one of four ways: we retaliate, dominate, isolate,
or cooperate.
Retaliate: “I don’t get mad, I get even.” In many instances retaliation feels like a good option. The
momentary satisfaction of getting back at the other party is tempting (like the airline attendant who
routed the bags of an obnoxious Cleveland-bound passenger to Tokyo instead!) But retaliation is always
a mistake. That fleeting moment of victory always precipitates even greater conflicts down the road.
What goes around, comes around.
Dominate: “My way or else!” Bullying behavior and running roughshod over the other party are
common responses for some. People with short tempers and strong opinions may fall into the
domination mode automatically if they are not extremely careful. While there are times when this
approach is appropriate (immediate safety and security issues), it is typically very hard on the long-term
relationship and will invariably spark additional problems later.
Isolate: Sometimes simply accepting or ignoring the situation without response is a good idea. Just be
sure you have truly accepted it as opposed to suppressing it. If you can accept it and let it go, great. If,
however, it continues to bother you, to fester inside, to build upon other issues you’ve ignored, it’s a
time bomb just waiting to explode. At some point, your charming, easy-going personality will turn ugly
for little or no apparent reason as the lid blows off the pressure keg. Your desire to avoid confronting a
small issue up front has turned it into a much larger, much less easily managed situation.
Cooperate: The last and preferred option is to confront the issue immediately. Many people recoil at the
concept of confrontation and think it, by definition, must be a loud, unpleasant experience. To confront
an issue simply means to address it and put it on the table for discussion.
As previously stated, behavior not confronted will not change. If someone is doing something you find
troublesome, you must address it if you want it to change. Amazingly, many people engaging in
problematic behavior have no idea they’re doing anything disturbing. Almost half of them will change
that behavior as soon as its bothersome nature is brought to their attention. Half! But if you fail to
confront the problem, they are not even aware of the need for a change and your cause is lost because of
your own inaction. Each individual must take personal responsibility for raising issues of importance to
him and communicate concerns clearly.
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How To Manage Conflict
by Peg Pickering
Career Press
ISBN: 1564144402 Pub
Date: 11/01/99
Previous Table of Contents Next
Types of Interpersonal Conflict
Individuals in conflict typically believe they know the cause of the conflict, but they are frequently
wrong. By the time a conflict reaches a level where people are willing to deal with it, the real conflict is
actually an accumulation of half-remembered and relatively minor issues. Many times, people are not
even sure what the basis of the conflict is.
• Is it a substantive conflict? Issue based? A conflict about decisions ideas, directions, actions?
• Is it a personalized conflict? Personality based? Fueled by emotion? Does it question motives
and character?
• Is it simply a problem of communication?
Group Dynamics of Conflict
Intragroup conflict is that which exists between individuals within a particular group (team, department,
company, etc.) while intergroup involves more than one group (multiple teams, departments,
organizations, etc.). The group aspect of these conflicts further complicates them. Not only must
individuals deal with their internal issues and with each other as individuals, they must cope with the
overall interaction of all the players. Frequently, group conflicts take on a life of their own and problems
are magnified by politics, rumor, and innuendo. This multiplication of issues creates additional layers of
complexity to each conflict.
Intergroup conflict is the most complex and most serious to the organization. Any time conflict escalates
and spreads among groups, the gossip and rumor mill create havoc and damage you and your business.
It is best to address conflict when it involves only the smallest segment of people. An excellent first step
is to classify the event and identify what it is doing to you personally, who else is involved and whether
the conflict has spread from a localized, tightly focused situation to a broader-based conflict involving
more people.
You can always assume that the increase in people brings generalized problems that are less clearly
defined and much more likely to require multiple solutions. The likelihood of destruction and harm to
others increases greatly once multiple personalities become involved.
Once you have assessed the conflict, a conflict management/resolution strategy can be selected. These
strategies are discussed in detail in Chapters 4 and 5.
Reflections
• How much internal conflict do you have in your life? (Review the questions in
the Internal Conflict section of this chapter.) What’s your stress level? List three
things you can do to immediately move toward greater inner peace.
• Which of the four psychological needs are most frequently triggered in you?
What can you do to lower that threshold?
• Of the four reaction styles: retaliate, dominate, isolate or cooperate which is
your standard response? Ask three other people who know you well to see
whether your perception matches theirs. How will you become more likely to
cooperate rather than the behaviors listed as other choices?
Read each statement and circle the response that most reflects your belief.
Part I. When my stress level is minimal and manageable:
1. I have no doubts about what I want from life and work.
Usually Sometimes Always Never
2. 1________________ most people.
Like Trust Evaluate Dislike
3. What I usually do with my opinions:
Voice them to others Keep them to myself
4. I live up to my promises:
Because I want to Because I need to
If I have to When I can
5. I describe problems as:
Opportunities Something to make the best of
Caused by stupid mistakes Normal way of life
6. My goals are:
Well chosen Somewhat realistic
Admirable Same as always
7. On a good day 1:
Treat people and tasks equally
Concentrate on keeping people happy
Concentrate on getting job done
Concentrate on getting through the day
Read each statement and circle the response that most reflects your belief.
Part II. When my stress level is rising:
1. I am sincere and considerate of others:
Most of the time Sometimes
Even when they don’t When I can deserve it
2. My decisions are made:
Easily Carefully Quickly Alone
3. Mistakes add to my:
Growth Embarrassment Frustration Despair
4. When I’m really stressed I am:
Hopeful Careful Forceful Depressed
5. When I’m really stressed I am:
Confident Still a nice person
As patient as I can be Not my usual self
6. My sense of purpose and direction is:
Clear Weak Right Absent
7. On a bad day I am:
My own best friend My own biggest obstacle
The only one I can count on No good to anybody
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How To Manage Conflict
by Peg Pickering
Career Press
ISBN: 1564144402 Pub
Date: 11/01/99
Previous Table of Contents Next
Chapter 3
IDENTIFYING CONFLICT STAGES
Effective conflict management results when you develop and implement a deliberate conflict strategy.
The intensity of the conflict determines which strategies will be the most effective. Different levels of
conflict involve varying degrees of emotional involvement and intensity.
As conflict escalates, each individual’s concern for self increases along with the desire to win. Saving
face takes on increased importance at higher levels of conflict. Even normally mild-mannered
individuals can become hostile and hurtful as conflict escalates.
If conflict is identified early and deliberate steps are taken to modify events and manage the emotions,
almost any conflict can become a source of opportunity. Left unchecked, conflict is potentially
dangerous to all involved.
When you’ve completed this chapter, you’ll be able to identify the stages of conflict, characteristics of
each, and methods for effectively dealing with conflict at each level. Additionally, you’ll be able to
assess your own situation(s).
Three Stages of Conflict
Stage One: Everyday Concerns and Disputes. The least threatening of conflicts, stage one conflicts
can best be addressed with coping strategies.
Stage Two: More Significant Challenges. With their longer-term consequences and higher emotional
involvement, managing stage two conflicts requires more training and specific management skills.
Stage Three: Overt Battles. Even nice people can become harmful to others during stage three conflict
when volatile emotions are raging and the desire to win is surpassed by the desire to punish.
Conflict moves between stages but not necessarily in a linear pattern. A stage one conflict on Monday
morning, left unattended, can escalate to stage three by the end of the day. Conversely, high levels of
conflict may dissipate with time, quite unexpectedly. Given this fickle nature of conflict, a complete
understanding of the characteristics and strategies appropriate for each stage is needed.
Characteristics of Stage One Conflict—Everyday Concerns and Disputes
Stage one conflict is real, although low in intensity. This stage is characterized by day-to-day irritations.
Most individuals employ coping strategies unconsciously, and these coping skills are an excellent tool
for these conflicts. But coping strategies, such as tolerating the actions of co-workers, are most effective
when they are deliberate rather than unconscious. Care must be taken so these irritations do not turn into
bigger problems.
The critical variable here is people. Different personalities, coping mechanisms, and ever-changing life
events make it impossible to predict when an individual has had enough. What was tolerable yesterday
may become an issue tomorrow. There’s no way to truly know which straw will break the camel’s back.”
When people work together, differences exist in goals, values, and individual needs. At stage one,
parties feel discomfort and possibly anger but are quick to pass off these emotions. Individuals are
usually willing to work toward a solution, often with a sense of optimism that things can be worked out.
This optimism might be detected as a “no big deal” attitude. Facts and opinions are shared openly with
one another once the problem has surfaced. Communication is usually clear, specific, and solution
oriented—focused on the issues, not the personalities.
The easiest way to discern whether you are in a stage one conflict or a more intense level is to observe
participants’ ability to separate people from the problem. Brainstorming and creative problem-solving
work well at stage one because participants are willing to discuss problems rather than personalities.
Listening and participation are essential at this level. As a conflict manager, initiate joint listening and
exploration ventures with an emphasis on teamwork and shared responsibility. This strategy focuses all
the participants in a common direction and allows everyone to contribute.
Coping Strategies for Stage One Conflict
Avoidance is one effective coping strategy for stage one conflicts. The deliberate coping strategy of
avoidance happens when you determine there is neither time nor motivation to alter the idiosyncrasies of
another. You pass off minor things rather than deal with them. You keep silent on an issue rather than
spark a spirited discussion with your boss. If your contact with the person is minimal, the chances are
good that you have managed the irritation appropriately. At this stage, a “live and let live” attitude works
well.
But beware. Too many irritations can create undercurrents that, if not addressed, will complicate future
issues. Remember your grade school playground when teams were picked and friends paired off?
Instantly, a coping strategy was initiated by those doing the choosing and those chosen last. The games
went on, but feelings of alienation were sometimes generated and carried for months, even years, to
come. Similar feelings are produced during daily contacts with other people.
Obliging is a slightly stronger form of avoidance, where an individual gives in to another. Obliging
involves one’s desire to fit in and belong. This desire is usually strong and overrides lower levels of
conflict. This strategy uses a give-in attitude so things can keep moving. Deliberate obliging can be
beneficial to team effort, but there is no way to predict how long an individual will oblige.
Additional stage one conflict strategies might include:
• Initiating a process that examines both sides. Can a framework be built that encourages
understanding of one another?
• Asking if the reaction is proportional to the situation. Is either party carrying residual emotions
from another event? Is this event isolated or do the feelings reflect previous disagreements?
• Identifying points of agreement and working from these points first; then identifying points of
disagreement. Is it possible to leap the hurdle of conflict by seeing the whole picture?
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How To Manage Conflict
by Peg Pickering
Career Press
ISBN: 1564144402 Pub
Date: 11/01/99
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Characteristics of Stage Two Conflict—More Significant Challenges
Conflict takes on the element of competition at stage two, typified by a win-lose attitude. Losses seem
greater at this stage because people are more personally invested in the problems. Self-interest and
saving face becomes very important. A “cover yourself’ attitude can also be observed. At stage two
people keep track of verbal victories and record mistakes, witnesses take sides, and an imaginary debate
develops with scores being tallied. Alliances and cliques begin to form. As a result, the level of
commitment required to work through stage two conflict is significantly higher than that required at
stage one.
Notice the words people select to describe a conflict or disagreement. In a stage two conflict, the
language is less specific; people talk in generalizations. You’ll hear references to the phantom “they”
and comments like “everyone believes.” Words of exaggeration like “always” and “never” increase in
frequency during stage two conflict.
Because the conflict is more complex at stage two, problems can no longer be managed with coping
strategies. At this stage, the people are the problem. A discussion of the issues often proves futile as
parties continually drift into personality concerns. In fact, you notice resistance when attempts are made
to address the issues directly.
It’s important to note that the atmosphere is not necessarily hostile at stage two; but it is very cautious!
Putdowns, sarcasm, and innuendoes are survival tactics used during stage two conflict. The coping
strategies such as avoidance and obliging that worked so well at stage one are ineffective at stage two. A
“wait-and-see” attitude degenerates into a “you prove yourself to me” attitude at stage two. Competing
parties are less likely to provide accurate facts to one another because the trust level has declined.
To manage conflict effectively at stage two, you must implement a people management strategy.
Management Strategies to Handle Stage Two Conflict
• Create a safe atmosphere. Provide an environment where everyone is secure.
— Make the setting informal
— Establish neutral turf
— Have an agenda
— Be in control
— Set the tone
— Be slightly vulnerable
• Be hard on the facts, soft on the people. Take an extended amount of time to get every detail.
Clarify generalizations. Who are “they”? Is “always” an accurate statement? Question whether
any fact was missed.
• Do the initial work as a team, sharing in the responsibility for finding an alternative everyone
can live with. Stress the necessity of equal responsibility.
• Look for middle ground but do not suggest compromise. Compromise implies giving up
cherished points. Instead, creatively look for the middle ground by focusing on points of
agreement.
• Allow time to pull competing parties toward acceptable ground without forcing issues or
concessions.
• Competing parties should be seated next to each other rather than across a table. A round table
also works well.
Stage two conflict left unchecked will delude thinking and magnify the problems. Conflicting parties see
themselves as more benevolent and others as more evil than is actually the case. When you notice
comments that focus on either/or or black and white thinking, conflict has escalated into stage three.
Characteristics of Stage Three Conflict—Overt Battles
At stage three, the objective shifts from wanting to win toward wanting to hurt. The motivation is to get
rid of the other party. Changing the situation and problem-solving are no longer satisfactory for those
locked into stage three conflict. Being right and punishing those who are wrong becomes the consuming
motivation.
Individuals choose sides on the issues that matter and insiders and outsiders are identified by the
competing parties. “What’s good for me” and “What’s good for the organization” become synonymous
in the minds of individuals holding a position in a stage three conflict.
Leaders emerge from the group and act as spokespersons. Positions are polarized; small factions evolve
and group cohesiveness is more important than organizational unity. The merits of an argument and the
strength with which positions are held are greatly exaggerated at this stage. A loss of perspective is quite
likely on the part of all participants.
Logic and reason are not effective in dissuading others at this stage. Because everyone will not hold
stage three intensity in the conflict, identify those individuals who are at the lower stages of conflict and
begin redirecting these individuals, providing an alternative source for their energy.
Clear corporate goals and a sense of direction will be necessary for individuals to walk away from stage
three conflict as winners. The good conflict manager delegates tasks to people and redirects events,
encouraging the skills of everyone. This is not the time to cover up the event, but it need not be the allconsuming
issue individuals have made it out to be.
Intervention Strategies for Stage Three Conflict
When conflict escalates to stage three, the best strategy you can employ is to minimize the losses and
prepare to refocus those who remain. What do you do with the losers? Possible replacement or
outplacement can be tried. A cooling off period for the losers might also be initiated once a decision is
made. It is vital that you have a complete grasp of the negotiation/arbitration process, or you may find
you have nothing left to manage.
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How To Manage Conflict
by Peg Pickering
Career Press
ISBN: 1564144402 Pub
Date: 11/01/99
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One tactic you should consider once you observe stage three attitudes is the initiation of an intervention
team that is neutral to the groups in conflict. For example, members from a disinterested department
could be formed to address the concerns and issues of each party. The role of such an intervention team
could take the form of negotiation, mediation, or arbitration.
• Negotiation: Requires parties to sit across from one another and work through the conflict in
the presence of an outside agent. This process, once begun, can produce solutions to the problem
but is not likely to produce harmony. At stage three, parties have decided that someone must go.
• Mediation: Both sides present their case to the intervention team and the team facilitates
discussion and encourages movement toward a mutually acceptable solution. Usually, the
opposing parties remain responsible for finding common ground and solutions in mediation.
• Arbitration: Each side presents its best case; the intervention team chooses one side over the
other. There is obviously a great deal to be lost by both sides once this tactic is used but it can
bring an end to high level conflict. Arbitration, especially binding arbitration, demands
enforcement. All parties must follow and accept the conclusions of the intervention team.
The members of an intervention team must be perceived as totally impartial, able to provide a fair
hearing for everyone. This intervention team will be required to sift through many emotions in search of
facts and must also provide clear-cut direction at the conclusion of the fact-finding process.
Individuals locked into a stage three conflict will likely prolong the conflict, consumed by the event and
the energy it provides. Even after management has made its conclusions, some will continue the fight,
pursuing their own objectives.
Additional detail regarding the intervention team can be found in Chapter 6.
Reflections
Step 1: Consider the eleven statements in the context of your workplace. Give your
honest response by circling the appropriate number.
1 = Strongly Disagree 5 = Strongly Agree
1. The people I work with encourage each other.
1 2 3 4 5
2. We look for ways to help each other.
1 2 3 4 5
3. We respect different viewpoints.
1 2 3 4 5
4. We are creative in finding solutions when working through disagreements.
1 2 3 4 5
5. We share our knowledge so that each person can be more successful.
1 2 3 4 5
6. We ask for input about our performance from each other: associates and
customers.
1 2 3 4 5
7. We believe in continuous improvement and our actions reflect this belief.
1 2 3 4 5
8. We are actively in charge of our behavior and we direct ourselves toward our
mission.
1 2 3 4 5
9. We learn from our mistakes.
1 2 3 4 5
10. We don’t waste time affixing blame.
1 2 3 4 5
11. We eliminate outdated policies, procedures, and methods.
1 2 3 4 5
Scoring:
• A total of 44 or more indicates a strong environment for coping with concerns
and creating positive change. Most conflicts can be dealt with at stage one levels.
• Scores below 33 signal significant work to be done. Stage one conflicts are
rare; but stage two and stage three problems are frequent.
Step 2: Have each member of your team or department complete this same assessment.
Review the results and compare individual perceptions. Outline a plan to improve your
working relationships in the weakest areas.
Consider a current conflict situation. Complete the following Conflict Assessment
Checklist to see in which stage your conflict currently is.
STAGE ONE
Yes No
1. Are individuals willing to meet and discuss facts?
2. Is there a sense of optimism?
3. Is there a cooperative spirit?
4. Does a “live and let live” attitude typify the atmosphere?
5. Can individuals discuss issues without involving personalities?
6. Are parties able to stay focused on the present, not the past?
7. Is the language specific?
8. Are solutions the dominate focus (as opposed to blame)?
STAGE TWO
Yes No
1. Is there a competitive attitude?
2. Is there an emphasis on winners and losers?
3. Is it hard to talk about problems without talking about people?
4. Is the language generalized?
5. Can you identify these statements:
“They ...”
“Everyone is ...”
“You always ...”
“He never ...”
6. Is there a cautious nature when issues are discussed?
7. Can you detect a “cover-your-hind-end” attitude?
8. Do the parties make efforts to look good?
STAGE THREE
Yes No
1. Are attempts being made to get rid of others?
2. Is there an intention to hurt?
3. Have obvious leaders or spokespersons emerged?
4. Is there a choosing up of sides?
5. Has corporate good become identified with a set of special interests?
6. Is there a sense of “holy mission” on the part of certain parties?
7. Is there a sense that things will never stop?
8. Has then been a loss of middle ground, allowing only black or white options?
• Evaluate your Conflict Management Strategy choices in light of what you’ve
discovered. (Generally, your conflict is in the stage where you had the most yes
answers. Be sure to keep in mind those factors resulting from the yes answers
you have in the other stages as well. Real world conflicts are in a continuous
state of flux and seldom fit perfectly into one stage or another.
• What would be your best approach?
• What will be your next step?
• When will you implement it?
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How To Manage Conflict
by Peg Pickering
Career Press
ISBN: 1564144402 Pub
Date: 11/01/99
Previous Table of Contents Next
Chapter 4
CONFLICT MANAGEMENT STYLES
There are five universally accepted approaches to conflict management. No one approach will work in
all situations. It is, therefore, important to develop the ability to use each style in appropriate situations.
Some styles will be more comfortable for you than others; they fit your natural style. Your challenge is
to master those styles that you find personally difficult. When you’ve completed this chapter, you’ll be
able to identify all five conflict management styles; identify situations in which each style is effective
and situations where it is not; and assess your own personal conflict management style strengths and
weaknesses.
Styles of Conflict Management
The chart illustrates five conflict styles. An individual with a knowledge of these styles can select the
style most appropriate for a specific conflict. Once a style is identified, it is also possible to better
understand the motivations of others during conflict
Collaboration is the win/win conflict management style. Individuals who choose this style seek an
exchange of information. There is a desire to examine differences and reach a solution that is acceptable
to all parties. This style is typically associated with problem-solving and is effective when issues are
complex.
The collaborative style encourages creative thinking. Developing alternatives is one of the strengths of
this style. Its emphasis on all parties synthesizes information from divergent perspectives. However, it is
not an effective style when a party lacks commitment or when time is limited. Collaboration takes time.
It can be a frustrating style during higher levels of conflict when reason and rational considerations are
often overshadowed by emotional commitments to a position.
The collaborative style rallies people to find solutions to complex issues. It is excellent when people and
the problem are clearly separate, and usually fruitless when people really want to fight. The
collaborative style can be a positive motivator in brainstorming or problem-solving sessions. Just be sure
everyone with an interest in the situation is included.
Phrases you can use to trigger the collaborative conflict management style include:
• “There seems to be different opinions here, let’s get to the bottom of this.”
• “Let’s get several people from each department together and discuss the options.”
Obliging, also called placating, is another style of conflict management. Obliging places a high value on
others but a low value on self, perhaps reflecting an individual’s low self-esteem. It’s also a strategy that
can be used to deliberately elevate another person, making them feel better about an issue. This use of
obliging by raising another’s status is useful, especially if your position within the company is not a
politically precarious one.
The obliging strategy plays down the differences between parties while looking for common ground.
The high concern for others causes an individual to satisfy and meet the needs of others, often giving up
something of importance to self. Obliging, when used effectively, can preserve a relationship. Obliging
used unconsciously can create instant doormats with the words boldly printed, “Please walk over me.”
This style is useful if a manager is unsure of a position or fears a mistake has been made. By using the
obliging style, the manager passively accepts the power of others, buying time to assess situations, and
survey alternatives.
The obliging style gives power to others. If you’ve got expendable power, it can build trust and
confidence in others. If you are secure in your position, it can be used as a method of delegation. Phrases
that signal the obliging style include:
• “I don’t care, whatever you want.”
• “You’re the expert, what do you think?”
Dominating is the opposite of obliging. The emphasis is placed on self. Whereas the obliging individual
may neglect his own needs, the dominating style overlooks the needs of others. It is an effective strategy
when a quick decision is needed or if a matter is unimportant.
This strategy can be reactionary, activated by self-preservation. It is reflected during an attack
championed by the philosophy, “It is better to shoot at ’em than be shot at.” When an issue is important,
a dominating style will force others to pay attention to a specific set of needs.
The dominating style is used effectively when there is a great disparity of expertise. The ability to
marshal the facts, boldly assess issues, provide expert counsel, and generate action during conflict can
be invaluable. However, the flip side of direct action is incorrect action. Misplaced power can
undermine future success. The dominating style is also most frequently associated with the bully and the
“hardball tactics” of power brokers.
It is best to use this strategy sparingly. It lasts only as long as you have right and might on your side.
Companies with a strong chain of command tend to favor this style. It usually delineates clearly where
the buck stops and who holds responsibility. If you work in a system that frequently manages people and
conflict with a dominating style, you’ll recognize “cover-your-hind-end” thinking as a back-up strategy.
Phrases that indicate the dominating style:
• “I don’t care, just do what I asked you to do.”
• “It doesn’t matter. That’s the way it is.”
Avoiding is the fourth conflict management style. The avoider does not place a high value on either self
or others. This is a “don’t-rock-the-boat” style.
The negative aspects of the avoiding style include passing the buck or sidestepping an issue. An
individual using this style will withdraw from the events, leaving others to struggle with the results.
When issues are not important, deferring action allows things to cool off — an effective use of
avoidance. It is also an effective style when time is needed. For example, during a board meeting an item
can be tabled or a postponement set.
On the other hand, this style can be frustrating for others because answers are slow in developing. Little
satisfaction stems from the avoiding style, and conflict tends to run its own course when the avoiding
style is used.
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How To Manage Conflict
by Peg Pickering
Career Press
ISBN: 1564144402 Pub
Date: 11/01/99
Previous Table of Contents Next
The avoidance style buys time. Use it wisely. If you notice an individual using this style, it should be a
clue that the other person is uncertain and needs time to investigate the situation. Above all, make it a
point to follow up once time is granted. Conflict usually does not go away with time.
Phrases that signal the avoiding style include:
• “Can we put this on hold temporarily?”
• “I haven’t seen all the facts, I’ll get back to you when ...”
Do you have an avoider working with you? Are you wondering how to get an issue moving? Here are
some coping mechanisms and reminders:
• You cannot care about people who do not care for themselves! You can sympathize, love, and
cajole, but the avoider must have enough concern for self or others before significant movement
can take place.
• Communicate your enthusiasm and hopes. Avoid the negative. Overcome the forces of
inactivity by moving in a positive direction.
• Let them off the hook. Separate the people from the problem for them. Provide a focus on the
problem.
• Play on the avoider’s sense of honesty. Seek out and define the reasons for resistance and
inactivity.
• Limit the number of variables presented to the avoider. Place one issue on an agenda; remove
others. Make a decision easier by eliminating distractions.
• Set a deadline.
Compromising is another conflict management style. It is pictured in the center of the Five Conflict
Styles chart at the beginning of this chapter —rating neither high nor low in concern for others or self.
This is a middle-of-the-road orientation. In compromise, everyone has something to give and something
to take. It is powerful when both sides are right. It errs when one side is wrong!
The compromise is most effective as a tool when issues are complex or when there is a balance of
power. Compromise can be chosen when other methods have failed and both parties are ready to clarify
polarities and look for middle ground. Compromise may mean splitting the difference or exchanging
concessions. It almost always means all parties give up something in order to attain resolution.
Negotiation and bargaining are complementary skills to the compromise style. The advantage of
compromise is that it gets parties talking about the issues and hopefully moves them closer together. It
will always be difficult to maintain impartiality, and you can expect to be accused of favoritism when
this style is used. Rarely can business afford winners and losers, so use this style only when the losses
can be minimized for both sides!
When embarking on a compromise, ask both parties to thoughtfully answer these four questions:
1. What is the minimum I can accept?
2. What is the maximum I can go for without getting thrown out of the room?
3. What is the maximum I can give up?
4. What is the least I can offer without getting thrown out of the room?
Stage one and even stage two conflict can employ compromise with some success, but once stage three
has been reached, all parties may see a compromise as making them losers and seek retribution either
overtly or through another situation down the road.
Phrases that indicate a compromising approach include:
• “I can see we have differing opinions. What’s your bottom line?”
• “We all have to give and take if we’re going to work together, so let’s put things on the table.”
The five styles of conflict management provide a structure for action. A knowledge of these styles
increases your understanding of conflict and of your own conflict management style.
Factors Affecting Your Approach
K Knowledge:
• How much do you know about the other person’s issue?
• How much does the other person know about your issue?
• How familiar are you with the subject?
• Do you have knowledge that the other person doesn’t have?
A Authority:
• Do you have the authority to make a decision?
• Does the other person have authority to make a decision?
P Power:
• How much leverage can you bring to bear on the situation?
• How much power does the other person have over you? (Remember: Knowledge is power.)
O Others:
• How important is the relationship to you?
• How important is the relationship to the other person?
W Winning:
• How important is the aspect of winning?
• Do you have to win?
• Does the other party have to win?
• Is compromise acceptable?
• Is losing acceptable?
Handling Conflict the ACES Way
A Assess the situation.
C Clarify the issues.
E Evaluate alternative approaches.
S Solve the problem.
Previous Table of Contents Next
How To Manage Conflict
by Peg Pickering
Career Press
ISBN: 1564144402 Pub
Date: 11/01/99
Previous Table of Contents Next
Reflections
Conflict Management Style Survey
Rank items A through E for each item. Place the number 5 next to the best response for
you, then 4 for the next best, then 3, then 2, then 1 for the least accurate one. Try not to
agonize over these. There are no right or wrong answers, only truthful ones. Generally,
your initial gut response is the most accurate one. Make your choices quickly. You must
rank all 5 choices for each question — even those with whichyou struggle with.
1. When you have strong feelings in a conflict situation, you would:
_____A. Enjoy the emotional release and sense of exhilaration and
accomplishment.
_____B. Enjoy the challenge of the conflict.
_____C. Become serious and concerned about how others are feeling and
thinking.
_____D. Find it frightening because someone will get hurt.
_____E. Become convinced there is nothing you can do to resolve the issue.
2. What’s the best result you can expect from a conflict?
_____A. Conflict helps people face facts.
_____B. Conflict cancels out extremes in thinking so a strong middle ground can
be reached.
_____C. Conflict clears the air, enhances commitment and results.
_____D. Conflict demonstrates the absurdity of self-centeredness and draws
people closer together.
_____E. Conflict lessens complacency and assigns blame where it belongs.
3. When you have authority in a conflict situation, you would:
_____A. Put it straight and let others know your view.
_____B. Try to negotiate the best settlement.
_____C. Ask for other viewpoints and suggest that a position be found that both
sides might try.
_____D. Go along with the others, providing support where you can.
_____E. Keep the encounter impersonal, citing rules if they apply.
4. When someone takes an unreasonable position, you would:
_____A. Lay it on the line and say that you don’t like it.
_____B. Let him or her know in casual, subtle ways that you’re not pleased;
possibly distract with humor; and avoid direct confrontation.
_____C. Call attention to the conflict and explore mutually acceptable solutions.
_____D. Keep your misgivings to yourself.
_____E. Let your actions speak for you, possibly using depression or lack of
interest.
5. When you become angry with a peer, you:
_____A. Explode without giving it much thought.
_____B. Smooth things over with a good story.
_____C. Express your anger and invite a response.
_____D. Compensate for your anger by acting the opposite of your feelings.
_____E. Remove yourself from the situation.
6. When you find yourself disagreeing with other members about a project,
you:
_____A. Stand by your convictions and defend them.
_____B. Appeal to the logic of the group in the hope of convincing at least a
majority you are right.
_____C. Explore points of agreement and disagreement, then search for
alternatives that take everyone’s views into account.
_____D. Go along with the group.
_____E. Do not participate in the discussion and don’t feel bound by any
decision made.
7. When one group member takes a position in opposition to the rest of the
group, you would:
_____A. Point out publicly that the dissenting member is blocking the group and
suggest that the group move on without him or her if necessary.
_____B. Make sure the dissenting member has a chance to communicate his or
her objections so that a compromise can be reached.
_____C. Try to uncover why the dissenting member views that issue differently
so that the group’s members can re-evaluate their own positions.
_____D. Encourage members to set the conflict aside and go on to more
agreeable items on the agenda.
_____E. Remain silent because it is best to avoid becoming involved.
8. When you see conflict emerging in your team, you would:
_____A. Push for a quick decision to ensure that the task is completed.
_____B. Avoid outright confrontation by moving the discussion toward a middle
ground.
_____C. Share with the group your impression of what is going on so that the
nature of the impending conflict can be discussed.
_____D. Relieve the tension with humor.
_____E. Stay out of the conflict as long as it is of no concern to you.
9. In handling conflict between group members, you would:
_____A. Anticipate areas of resistance and prepare responses to objections prior
to open conflict.
_____B. Encourage your members to be prepared by identifying in advance
areas of possible compromise.
_____C. Recognize that conflict is healthy and press for the identification of
shared concerns and/or goals.
_____D. Promote harmony on the grounds that the only real result of conflict is
the destruction of friendly relations.
_____E. Submit the issue to an impartial arbitrator.
10. In your view, what might be the reason for the failure of one group to
work with another?
_____A. Lack of a clearly stated position or failure to back up the group’s
position.
_____B. Tendency of groups to force their leaders to abide by the group’s
decision, as opposed to promoting flexibility, which would facilitate
compromise.
_____C. Tendency of groups to enter negotiations with a win/lose perspective.
_____D. Lack of motivation on the part of the group’s leaders, resulting in the
leaders placing emphasis on maintaining their own power positions rather than
addressing the issues involved.
_____E. Irresponsible behavior on the part of the group’s leaders, resulting in the
leaders placing emphasis on maintaining their own power positions rather than
addressing the issues involved.
Scoring:
Go back and total the numbers you have placed for each letter and record the totals
below. (Add up all the numbers for A and record. Then add all the numbers for B, etc.)
For example, if you had placed the number 5 next to A for all 10 questions, your score
for A would be 50.
A _______________ D _______________
B _______________ E _______________
C _______________
Column A: Dominating Style
Column B: Compromising Style
Column C: Collaborative Style
Column D: Obliging Style
Column E: Avoiding Style
Look at your totals.
• The highest number typically represents the conflict management style you
perceive yourself to use most. (Most people see themselves as collaborators.)
• Look at the second highest number. It typically more accurately represents
your strongest conflict management style.
• The lowest number represents the style in which your skills are typically the
weakest.
Outline a plan to strengthen your weakest conflict management style.
Previous Table of Contents Next
How To Manage Conflict
by Peg Pickering
Career Press
ISBN: 1564144402 Pub
Date: 11/01/99
Previous Table of Contents Next
Chapter 5
CONSTRUCTIVE MANAGEMENT STYLES
Whether the issue is boardroom planning or conflict on the production line, to be an effective conflict
manager, you must develop a deliberate decision-making process around company goals. When you’ve
completed this chapter you will have these additional tools in your conflict management arsenal: five
principles for maintaining positive relationships during conflict; numerous ways to enhance passive,
aggressive, and manipulative conflict management styles; and ten tips for dealing with angry employees.
Maintaining Positive Relationships During Conflict
Managers set the climate for employees. Trust, openness, and shared responsibility are essential to
effectively dealing with the inevitable organizational conflict. Anger within the organization can either
propel it forward or destroy its ability to function. The way managers deal with conflict and anger plays
a critical role in determining which it will be.
To make the best decisions during conflict, managers need a healthy understanding of relationships.
Here are five principles for maintaining positive relationships during conflict.
Encourage Equal Participation
Shared responsibility increases ownership. Higher stages of conflict cause individuals to become
destructive and lose sight of the organization in favor of personal issues. A simple reminder that “we”
are a team can often encourage the desired ownership. You can also share the leadership responsibility
by expecting team members to think like a manager in the situation, asking for creative responses to
events that promote cooperation rather than split decisions.
Other examples of shared responsibility include subdividing tasks that generate deliberate barriers of
responsibility, and then requiring team leaders to cross the barriers by providing assignments that require
cooperative efforts.
Author Thomas Peter’s fervor about the need for a service-oriented management style applies during
conflict:
“We must fundamentally shift our managerial philosophy from adversarial to cooperative. It is vital to
engage in multi-function problem-solving and to target business systems that cross several functional
boundaries. Ford and IBM both say they
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